Selfishness on all levels :s

when you find out that all your hard work, sleepless nights, blood, sweat and tears haven't been successful it's like a slap in your face. All your wind is out, energy is low and you feel bad.
Not bad for your little success but because even though you gave it your all - it still wasn't good enough.
Your self-esteem takes a hit and you wonder.. why am I bothering since my best is not good enough?

I'm feeling like this now..
But also what comes to mind is "if at first you dont succeed - try again".
I dont know why this is hitting me so hard today.
Maybe because I know I gave it my all and therefore I'm not going to become better. If I didn't understand and do better - what implies I will do better next time?

I think the reason why I get so sad is because I feel sorry for myself.
Instead of taking this and roll with it, making my mind on doing better I stop and be sad, feel sorry for myself and believe I deserve it.
But I dont.
I did my best and obiously it wasn't what was needed.

So why do I keep feeling sorry for myself?
Why do people do that?
Well, I have always believed that we are selfish creatures with focus on our best benefits, our best solution and our rights - weather it's actually right or not!
I think this is showing a little my selfishness.
So I better stop.

I know it's hard to get less recognition from a hard work than you expected.
I have experienced it.
I know that people demand what they believe they deserve.
I have done the same.

But those feelings will not bring me better results next time.
So I better stop and do.
Do the best I can and just cross my finger and hope it's the right thing to do at that point in time.
It's all I can do.
That and stop my selfishness!

-with love-

Path of no return?

As I sit at my desk, watch out my window into the darkness that is embracing Copenhagen now I feel a little uneased.
I should be at peace after a relaxing weekend, catching up with family and exploring Denmark a little more but I'm not.
It's not an uncomfortable feeling I'm having. It's kind a more "oh man, why am I here?"
So I'm in a need to soulsearch a little and figure my way a little again.
Being so busy I haven't had the time to confirm where I'm heading and if I'm satisfied with it.

I miss my lifestyle of travelling, of discovering new cultures, people and being on the move.
Now I'm getting into a routine, something I haven't done in years and it feels strange. Routine is not bad and I am discovering new things - but in the field of my studies.
It's just a feeling like I'm missing out on life!

I know that's not what's happening as I'm preparing myself for the future.
But the fast track I've been on is becoming slow and steady and familiar.
There is no uncertanty, no breath of fresh air, now feeling of accomplishment.
Perhaps this feeling is starting to show it self as I have began to question the path I'm on now.. Dont get me wrong, Denmark is great!
But I'm not completely satisfied with my study program and maybe that is pushing this doubt, this feeling on going nowhere into my heart.
Perhaps I just need to sit down, analyze my life as it is at the moment and discover if I'm on the right path or not.

Maybe I need a time where life takes an unexpected turn, brings in color and excitement and get's me motivated again.
As I read in the book I'm currently reading " Principle-centered leadership" by Stephen R, Covey...
Motivation is a function of the heart - more than the head..
And maybe I'm not following my heart as I should be.
Maybe I am and I just dont realize it because the other alternative looks more interested - the gras is greener or the other side..
But is that ever the case?
I should just hold back and rediscover who I am and where I'm going - to make sure my path is taking my the right way!

-with love-

I'm just joking ( and leaving you a hint )

With every sentence we say, in joke or in real, there is always some level of seriousness behind it. Even if you might not see it in your own words, it's there.
People say something, knowing that it's a joke but the little portion of truth in it might find it's way to the listener.
Wierd topic I know but I've been thinking about why do I make the jokes I do. Is there some truth that I'm trying to send out to the listener - as I do believe that there is meaning with everything I say?

Like Skunk Anansie says - I'm lost in time I can count the words.. That's what I'm doing.
I'm counting my words, making sure I'm not saying something I dont really want people to hear, understand or see.

I made a joke the other night that lead to interesting discussions, but the thing is.. I wanted those discussions to happen. I wanted to see if the thoughts were still there with the listener.
So I used the joke to manipulate the aftermath of the joke towards topics that I found to hard to just start a discussion on.
So the joke had a truth, a meaning, an hidden agenda.

I'm becoming more and more aware of this.. and therefore I'm trying to not just joke randomly but "use" the jokes in a right way.
Although I'm getting more aware of this - I'm not sure that others are aware. Or sometimes it feels like they are not aware - and the smallest joke can leave traces of truth, hurt and pain after it's said.
But is it my role to ask people if there is a little truth behind each joke? If they meant something more then what they wanted to say?
Well, we all learn by getting constructive feedback from others, we spend time with, work with and so on.
But is this something that can be given in a form of feedback?
I'm just not sure.

- with love -

Self R-E-S-P-E-C-T, tell me what it means to me!!

it's the end of the month. a month that always seems so gray and dull - October.
Last October I spent in Paris and somehow it didn't seem as gray. I actually enjoyed the autumn leaves and the beauty that Paris has to offer.
Here in Copenhagen, it's not that the month has been gray. It's more that it's been cold and stressful that took the color out of it.

I've been thinking a lot about me and my personal beliefs and strengths. This book I'm reading is really bringing up some questions and they are challenging my thoughts. They are challening me but also leaving me with some interesting points I should potentially look into.

Question about self respect.
Where does it come from?
is it as simple as making a promise and keep it to yourself?
and from keeping the promise you feel better and start to repsect the fact that you can do what you set your mind to?
I dont know
I want to know.

The questions that are circling around in my head are related to my personal self repsect and self knowledge.
I make promises and dont keep them. And yes of course it sucks. But somehow I dont feel it's the only part that builds up self respect.
What other objects, feelings, actions lead to self respect?
I'm gonna keep on reading the book.
See what I find more out.
I will share here!

-with love-

Procra..... Neh I write it later!

Procrastination is a very interesting word I find.
I find it so interesting that I would prefer to leave my work, watch a movie and then have to be stressed later to finish my work.
And I'm not the only one!
Then we complain about stress, lack of time, not being 100% prepared and wonder why we dont do better then we did!

Procrastination comes too easily to me.
I wonder why?
Why is this so easy?
Why can I not just stay on top of my plan and work according to my schedule, stressfree and happy?

It's not that I'm not happy now, believe me I am.
But I also just know somewhere deep in my head that I have to deal with the consequences later.
I'm fully aware of that, yet I dont stop delaying things. My focus does not get clearer, and my mind does not stay on topic.
Why?
Psychology researchers use three criteria to categorize procrastination: for a behavior to be classified as procrastination, it must be counterproductive, needless, and delaying - Wikipedia
I'm definitely the last part, delaying all the studying as much as I can!

I found this interesting video online - I actually saw it couple of months ago. But as I watch it again now, it's speaking to me!
It IS me!



I have to find ways to stop procrastinating, stop leaving important stuff hanging there.
How?
I will hopefully find a way!
-with love-

lack of dialouge leads to pain?

The fall has officially arrived to Copenhagen. The cold has been here for awhile but it's the grayness, the foggy weather and the light rain that really make it look and smell like an autumn.

My days are becoming less organized then when I came here. I'm becoming more flexible. That, for me, is a sign of feeling comfortable.
I like it!

as the day become shorter, darker, wetter, my spirit becomes lighter yet stressful, happy yet nervous, awake yet tired.
My mind is always at work and not always working on the right materials.
So what is on my mind these days?
Complains and comparisons!

I have noticed that many people, sometimes even including me, complain heavily. Especially related to health.
But what bugs me even more than that is the fact that when someone else is sharing their pain as well... the pain is never as much as with the first people.
They are the one suffering.
It bothers me so much!

Why do we do that?
Why do we compare pain and lack of health?
Why do we insist that our pain is worse then someone elses?
Why do we think this topic is interesting to others?

I keep asking myself these questions, hoping I can learn from them for my behaviour.
I know we are all different, we can not take as much pain as the next person or whatever, but we should be able to respect that we also dont know how the other person is feeling and if your pain is worse.
I think this subject is doomed to lead to frustrations with friends and family - as everyone is hurting sometime.
We can not help it.
It depends on what time of pain we are in, but it's there - sometimes bad and sometimes bearable.

I think there are certain topics that people can not discuss without being very objective and open for a dialouge.
But many people aren't able to do so!
then what to do?
Stop whining - listen to people and they will listen to you!!

-with love-

People are alike - in so many different ways!

I'm facinated by people.
I'm facinated about their interests, their lives, their education, their music taste and their behaviors.
I also know that I attend to put people into specific categories based on their appearances and behaviours at first sight.
I dont intend to but based on generalizations already established in the society my thoughts tend to follow the path.

Some people do fit in with the steriotypes, the generalizations, but most people dont.
That's why I love to get to know people with different interests, backgrounds, social status - all just to challenge my thoughts of the categories I tend to put people in.
It's working.
I love when people surprize me, are more then meets the eye.

People are so interesting beings.
We, as a race, value so diverse things, some are religous others are atheists, some like country mucis and some like Rock, some want children.
We are so different. French, icelandic, African, indian, tribal, Asian.
But even though we are so different, I believe there is no species just as alike as we are.
We have emoitions,some show them and others hold them in - but it's there.
We have motivational aspects in our lives besides just keeping alive and raise our youngs.
We believe in things, wether it's God, ourselfs, friends/families, the environment, famous people or something else.
We love. We want to be loved. We want to express love.
And we do express our believes, loves and emotions in one way or another. Some I might not agree with, Some I think are wrong But we all express us in some ways.

As I learn more about people, the more I'm attatched to the knowledge of human behaviour, motivation and passions.
I want to continue challenging my view of people.
I will express myself and enjoy my likeness with the person next to me as I continue my path in learning about my friends and family, people I love or could love.
what an interesting path I have to say.

-with love-