Rollercoster of life!

these past few days have been hard, strange but with hint of happiness..
I haven't been able to formulate my thoughts, my feelings as this week is coming to an end. Sometimes when life takes on those bigger rollercoster rides your head keeps spinning as you dont take the time to digest your emotions.. you dont feel the whole experience, you stay numb. or at least I feel sometimes like that.

But it is hard to keep up with rollercoster of emotions, feelings, frustrations, happiness... and therefore I'm afraid I dont take as much out of it as I can.. as I want.
I need to be more active in asking questions, digging deeper and analyse myself.. specially in rollercosters, as those moments might showcase the most who I am, how I react and where my points of improvements are.
Not everyone thinks of these things.
I haven't for a long time but I want to start thinking again..
to be better,
to be happier,
to be healthier.

but how can I do this?
Where and how to start?
I will look into this and hope for the best... as I have never been a huge rollercoster fan ;)
- with love -

to tell or not to tell - where is the line?

it's interesting how you always think afterwards about things you should have said. Specially in situations when the outcome was negative.
Sometimes you wonder if you were too harsh, sometimes you wish you had said how you really feel.. but sometimes you know you were right, but it still feels bad, strange, empty.
Why is that?
why do we sometimes wish we hadn't said how we felt, knowing we had the right to share that, inform the person about it, in order to have clear and honest communications?
Why do we always think of how others feel about how we feel?

Of course it's not good to be rude, but if you feel like saying it, you think it will help in communications and clear the air, then my opinion is TELL IT.
But be able to explain your reasons, your arguments for doing so!
I sometimes wonder if I'm the only one feeling like this!

decisions decisions decisions!

Some decisions are easier than others, and some are breeze to make. it's those hard ones that really question myself on how well I know me and what I want in life.
It's hard when you feel the need to make decisions that you are not 100% sure you wanna make but you can feel the need for them anyway.
But these decisions are those that shape our lives in many cases.

It's not hard to make decisions when you know what your values are. ~Roy Disney

This statement is speaking to me now,
I have worked very hard to become who I am today.. someone I'm proud of, someone with good values and someone who loves life.
By knowing what I want, what I value, should help me in my decision making.
But sometimes it's hard to see clearly.
Take for example Love.
I have been in love... and I wish to experience that feeling again as it is wonderful.
However, I seem to keep holding on to something/someone that reminds me of that past, that feeling, that love.
But in order to stay true to my values I need to let go, start to open up again, and not sell myself short/undermining my worth.
But its hard.
But as this statement shows, If I want to show my worth to others I have to believe it myself and walk the talk.
And that walk usually starts with hard decisions.
So make it!

And I have, or I believe and feel I have.
Lets see if I stand by it and dont sell myself out but stay strong!
- with love -

Social construction influenced by music!

Today I was sitting in the Metro on my way to the airport to meet a dear friend. She had a very short layover at the Copenhagen airport.
as always, while travelling I had my iPod on and a song came on that made me think a little..
The song is called Call my name with a band called Third Day.
I found the song and I want to share it with you here.. maybe you take some learning out of it as I did today - or more as thoughts rather than learnings.



In my current studies I have learned that words, stories and discourses can carry a lot of meaning with them.. something we can make sense out of and I'm starting to apply this approach to my songs as well. Many songs have meaning, we just need to dig deeper and find what meaning we put into it.
In the song above there were sentences like;
- Its been so long since you felt like you were loved
-What went wrong?
-When you feel like you're alone in your sadness
-and it seems like no one in this whole world cares
-

I construct my own social reality and create a meaning of this... where I connect with these sad words, sad reality. but understand that there might be someone who actually cares.. who wants me to call their names.
So even if the reality around me feels unbearable, I'm sad and alone, my friends are far away and not always there.. I just need to stretch my hand, make a phonecall, send an e-mail, facebook message or even skype them and my reality changes as people bring in their reality to mine and construct a new, more positive, happy place where I want to be.
Load of crap maybe.. but in my reality, this all makes sense!! :)

- with love -

bringing hidden agenda into the light!

Our life and experiences is something we can and should share with others, both for enlightenment as well as for just talk about their life.
for some of us, though, there are times in our lives that by some reasons we can not share, due to secrets, promises, bad experiences or choices we're not proud of.
believe me I have few of those experiences but when I look back at them most of them I learned something, I gained something ( even if I lost something/someone ) and in my experience sharing has usually brought me closer to understanding my learnings.

I know sometimes you have to keep a secret, promise not to tell or share, live with bad decisions or whatever, but in the long term you should be able to find out what you learned as a person. what did that period have to do with who you are now as a person. How you can avoid or reach out to new or old friends or things.
Its important.

Although it is important it is hard to make sense to these times, these events, these people.
My opinion is that I need to try.
if not, it hunts me, frustrates me or scares me, hurts me and hinders me from growing.
I dont want that.
I cant afford that.
So how can I start to make sense to my "darker/hidden" periods, people in it, events attended, love lived and/or lost?
How can I start to open up after being closed for such a long time, wondering what it meant, if it meant anything at all?
How can I overcome this hiding and realize how it is affecting me today?
how is what I want to know!

-with love-

Music guides my way!

It is amazing how powerful songs and lyrics can be when certain situations happen.
In more the one occation do I look to songs to feel empowered, inspired, angry and to hear words that I need to hear to start letting go of things.
I never really understood how some people can actually live for music but it started to be clearer and clearer when I realize how important this little things are for my sanity. it's amazing.
think about it.... really think when you hear songs, what emotions do they waken within you?
What do you think?
How do you feel afterwards?
Was it needed?

I wanna end this post about my awareness with few lines that are important for me since last night.. and I need to keep them in mind just for few more days.. then I hopefully need another song with another meaning to guide me through my rocky path :)

The walls start breathing
My mind's unweaving
Maybe it's best you leave me alone.
A weight is lifted
On this evening
I give the final blow.

When darkness turns to light,
It ends tonight
It ends tonight.
- The All American Rejects

the lyrics speak to me, Now I just better listen!!!

-with love-

being me is not good enough?

I never learn from my past mistakes.. or at least it feels like I dont.
Sometimes I feel like I'm naive.. I'm too trusting and allow people to take advantage of me. and then I become disappointed and angry when they dont deliver to my "standards" of behavior because that's what I expected in return.
even though they never "agreed" with my expectations.

it makes me angry at myself, it makes me angry at these individuals and makes me sometimes doubt if getting to know new people is actually worth it. It feels like I'm just loosing more than I'm gaining.
Or at least that's how it feels now, at this very moment. Just when I have been having a negative experience yet again with an individual I thought was worth "keeping".
I was wrong.. and I learn the hard way.

This is not the first time I'm angry at myself because of this person, and it's not the first time I'm angry at this person.
How can I overcome this believe that people are by rule kind hearted and want you well?
When in real life people think about themselves and their gains in the relationship. how much can they get away with this time without giving anything back or actually investing in a friendship or a relationship?
Why does it seem that I attract these type of people?
and why the f**k cant I learn that it's never as it seems, they dont mean what they are saying and I just end up without a friend and loss of integrity and/or positivity.

I know that this is not true of all people, but like I said.. it feels like I'm attracting all the "wrong" type of people in my life now.. and it's making me feel that I should just keep to the current friends I have, not open up, not take chances and not allow people in.. because I'm too open when I start.. I'm too needy if I can say that. and people cant handle it and leave, and take their words and promises with them..
good riddance I guess!
lets see
-with love-