My new years wishes and thoughts for 2012!

Today, this last day of the year 2011, a lot of things are passing through my thoughts, some have been longer than others and I feel they maybe worth discussing here.

One of the thoughts I've been having is the topic of priorities and friends.
We all love having friends, they mean a lot to us and we try to be there for them in their times of joy and sorrow. But we also expect them to try the same.
For me, that is the "role" of being a friend.

So what happens when friends "break" that role? the idea that you have of the friendship?
Personally, it takes a lot for me to exclude people that mean a lot to me. But when I feel strongly about the prioritation, the "breaking" of friendship, the lack of being there in times of joy (dont get me wrong, I understand if people have important things, hard things to attend to, other plans or are feeling under the weather) it hurts me. It takes a lot to make me feel hurt.
So my reaction is to disconnect.

Maybe, when you read this you think "what the h***" and fair enough. I think about this often because it hurts when I disconnect from people. I dont take it lightly.
But when you feel the friendship is broken, what is the right way to handle it? how to behave?
Are these even right questions to be asking?

I think, for me, I try to not take my friendship for granted. just like any relationship they require work. And for most of the time I'm happy to do that work. But when you feel the other part is not doing the same "amount" of work you start to wonder. And it is this wondering that makes me disconnecting.

But this sad thought is not the only thought that I'm taking with my into the new year.
I try my best to stay positive, to think about the good things in life because there are many around me and I try to learn more, both about friends, family and myself.
that makes me happy.

The other day I was sitting in a bus, looking out the window with good music in my ear and I start smiling. The moment made me feel good. I was sitting and watching the snow that had fallen during the day, how it made the surrounding even more beautiful than before and I started feeling happy being home with my family.
When I exited the bus and started walking towards the meeting point where I was meeting two good friends the weather was cold but still, the snow made the evening bright and I felt relaxed, I felt at peace and I felt hopeful.

Where I'm going with this thought is that I dont expect others to create my happiness, to make me feel blessed. I can only do that myself.
And in order to do so I have to appreciate every good thing around me. And notice that life is full of beautiful moments, people and events. I just have to be open for them.
And this thought, this feeling from the bus ride and the walk made me realize this.
I started smiling more, and when I do so I feel even better.
And I make others around me feel better.
And then life is good.
isnt it?

Well, these were two very different but important thoughts for me I wanted to share with you, if anyone is reading, and hope to take the awareness with me into the new year.
By doing so I'm hoping for even better 2012 where joy and satisfaction take over fear and sadness.
I wish you a great new year, believe in yourself and be aware that you make your own success and happiness.
Happy new year 2012!

When the person fits dont let him/her slip away.

It is not that often that I meet a person that I really connect with, I find funny and smart and when I leave I wanna meet that person soon again.
No it is not that often that people leave such a strong impression on me.

So when that happens, how hard should I fight to make sure these people stay in my life?
I work hard to make sure my friends, the ones that I do know mean a lot to me, stay in my life.
but when it is a new person, someone you might not really know but you wanna get to know, someone you have no connection to exept for the connection made when you met, someone who made you feel something, when does that person deserve some fight to stay in my life as well?

Earlier this year I wrote a post about having nothing to lose. And in this sense I do not have anything to lose. Building up a new connection can be hard, can be scary and can make you shy. But you're only trying to connect to another person.
If you dont step on anyones toes to bridge the gap, then you do not have anything to lose, but everything to gain.

then why am I so shy about it?
Why am I so timid and scared of showing others that I like someone?
do others really care?
I mean, do they care that you are reaching out to someone.. do people not just admire others that know what they want and try to reach out to someone they like?
Oh I dont know.. but something about this process is making my extremely shy, but I do not want to give up.
It is making my questioning myself, but I do not want to give up.

When a person is really special.. the process of finding him/her might be the best learning experience you can go throught.
I'm at least going to try to think about it that way.
and keep on reaching out, finding special people, people that make me feel special as well.

- with love -

Emotional baggage - where to leave it behind?

It's interesting how emotions work/dont work.
I have absolutely no idea, sometimes, why I feel the way I feel or why I'm not feeling something I think I should be feeling.

Last night, as I was practicing playing the guitar I decided to try to play one song. This is a beautiful song but I realized I hadnt heard it for almost 8 years but I sometimes think about it.
The reason I think about it is because I relate the song with a very sad and hard decision I had to make 8 years ago.
so of course I have gone out of my way to not hear it.

But somehow yesterday I though I would give it a go, especially since I would just be badly playing it and singing it myself.

After the first 5 worlds I just burst into tears.
I felt all these emotions, sadness, lonlienss, regret, wonder and lack of hope, just fill my consciousness.
And I couldnt stop crying.

I have often thought about the decision I took and I dont regret it.
I have come to terms with it, I even made sure I will always remember the choice I made and why it was the right decision.
I have talked to family about it.
I have cried, I have smiled, I have been hurt and I have been satisfied.
so I thought I had worked through my issues.

Yesterday, after only 5 words from one song.. I am not so sure I have worked through them all.
why would I cry if there is not something that is bothering me?
why cant I listen to a song that reminds me of hard times, when I believe I have made peace with my decision?
why are emotions so hard to control or even to understand?

Maybe my issues run deeper than I expected.
or maybe its not the decision I'm still having problems with, but the fear of no future possibilities.
maybe it's the fact that I'm losing hope, more than strengthen it.
maybe the decision I took many years ago, scared me in more areas than I knew.
Whatever it is, there is still some emotions lurking around, making me realize I need to do something more than I have been doing so far.

I just dont know what!
-with love-

happiness being left in the past

The other day I was sitting with the sun shining on my face and listening to a song called "you could be happy" by Snow patrol.
What came to my mind at the time is that I might not allow myself to embrace happiness as much as I could. In previous post I was talking about expectations and how they are usually built on sand but not carved in stone and based on sound reasons. And that is why they break down easily.
That for me, is the story of my search for happiness.. I build my hopes and happiness on the sand I have around me, hoping for the stable future.

But one's mind is hard to change when it has decided something. I believe that's also why my reasons are not solid. Because I'm stuck in the past, not allowing my head and heart to move on.
Dont get me wrong.. whenever I think more about this, I belive I allow myself to depart more and more from the past but it's a long and tiresome process.

Maybe this is all about not allowing me to embrace who I am and what I have to offer to new people in my life?
Or scared that the happiness and love once had will never return, and therefore I hold on?
But it wont come back, not the same love and happiness. Potentially, if I allow it, it will be even better.
But I feel I'm not allowing this to happen - at least not as fast as it could be.
I wonder!

When does wrong become right?

I think it's quite interesting this process of having expectations to people/events.
I just experienced a dissapointment recently because I had built up unrealistic expectations to a person. Actually, that person hadnt given me any reason to do so, but the events coming up led me to believe more was to be expected.
And of course that was not the case.

But what strikes me as interesting is this.. even though I was expecting something more, deep down I knew nothing would happen. But I somehow overlooked it. It kept popping up in my mind "it's not gonna happen" but I still went on keeping high hopes, for something that was not there.
Why did this happen?
Why did I build up an idea, hope, an expectation when deep down I knew it would never be?

Is it the fact that I'm searching for dissapointment?
or do I want to believe I'm wrong?
Or do I dare to hope without reason? but is that "healthy" then?
if there is no logic, reason, chance... why build up something that will be taken down, potentially a harsh experience?

It's not that I'm dreaming big,
it's not that I'm setting realistic expectations,
it's not that I'm reading situations right...
it's more that I'm being silly, trying to believe or trying to hold on to what could be/what was.
and that's not so good.
or is it?
I found this very interesting as I feel the dissapointment today.. still sad that my expectations were not met.. and that I should maybe have listened to "myself".
well, you live some you learn some!
or what?

-with love-

inspiration is important - motivation is the key.

It's strange to realize that things that inspire you are so diverse and unpredictable. And as long as you are open to instant messages, reflection questions and motivational boost it can come from people you never expected to have those influence on you and from events/artifacts that you never really knew could be inspiring to a person like you (whatever that means).

the other day I went to a national gallery in Copenhagen and without expecting it I felt empowered and inspired by pictures, paintings, personal quotes and dialouge with people.
I never take it for granted to be motivated.
it's hard, it required work.
and sometimes I forget and let it slip away.
When that happens it can be so hard to get a grip and start again, get inspired to do what you love to do, be with people you love and follow the path your heart has put you on.

Therefore it's so important to be open and take in motivation and inspiration whereever it's offered, when you need it the most as well as when you believe you have no use for it. ( I believe that usually when we believe we dont need it, is the time when we need it the most ).

I hope I never lose this ability, to take in power from others. To look at others achievements and say "I wanna be great as well" and stay creative.
Sometimes I'm afraid that the working environment we have in Europe especially, it kills motivation, dreams, hopes and learning.
Something that scares me.
Something I want to avoid.
Something I want to change.

I want to be inspired by others, and I want to inspire others.
I hope I can be!

- with love -

Rollercoster of life!

these past few days have been hard, strange but with hint of happiness..
I haven't been able to formulate my thoughts, my feelings as this week is coming to an end. Sometimes when life takes on those bigger rollercoster rides your head keeps spinning as you dont take the time to digest your emotions.. you dont feel the whole experience, you stay numb. or at least I feel sometimes like that.

But it is hard to keep up with rollercoster of emotions, feelings, frustrations, happiness... and therefore I'm afraid I dont take as much out of it as I can.. as I want.
I need to be more active in asking questions, digging deeper and analyse myself.. specially in rollercosters, as those moments might showcase the most who I am, how I react and where my points of improvements are.
Not everyone thinks of these things.
I haven't for a long time but I want to start thinking again..
to be better,
to be happier,
to be healthier.

but how can I do this?
Where and how to start?
I will look into this and hope for the best... as I have never been a huge rollercoster fan ;)
- with love -

decisions decisions decisions!

Some decisions are easier than others, and some are breeze to make. it's those hard ones that really question myself on how well I know me and what I want in life.
It's hard when you feel the need to make decisions that you are not 100% sure you wanna make but you can feel the need for them anyway.
But these decisions are those that shape our lives in many cases.

It's not hard to make decisions when you know what your values are. ~Roy Disney

This statement is speaking to me now,
I have worked very hard to become who I am today.. someone I'm proud of, someone with good values and someone who loves life.
By knowing what I want, what I value, should help me in my decision making.
But sometimes it's hard to see clearly.
Take for example Love.
I have been in love... and I wish to experience that feeling again as it is wonderful.
However, I seem to keep holding on to something/someone that reminds me of that past, that feeling, that love.
But in order to stay true to my values I need to let go, start to open up again, and not sell myself short/undermining my worth.
But its hard.
But as this statement shows, If I want to show my worth to others I have to believe it myself and walk the talk.
And that walk usually starts with hard decisions.
So make it!

And I have, or I believe and feel I have.
Lets see if I stand by it and dont sell myself out but stay strong!
- with love -

be careful what you wish for!

again to the same topic as in the last two posts, hope and wish. It's still something that is on my mind although it's slowly fading away into "normal" thoughts if I can put it like that.

few days ago I was listening to Home by Chris Daughtry and one part of the lyrics says..
"be careful what you wish for because you just might get it all" and it got me thinking.
it's very true.. we might be inclined to wish for "too" much and not knowing the concequences if we would get everything we ask for. We want sometimes more than we can handle so to speak. we also sometimes think we want things that others want or have without actually deep inside really want it. But we ask for it and when we get it we dont know how/what to do.

so even though I'm hoping and wishing and praying and thinking.. it might not be what I really really want.
Its important to give it a real thought, be sure that what you wish for is what you want and/or need.
make sure you can handle everything you wish for.

I have to think about these things..

-with love-

Still on a path of crazy hope

My mind has been running around like crazy these past few days and it has affected my life in some ways. My thoughts, as mentioned in my previous post, have not been constructive, been out of place and unreal but somehow I can not stop thinking them.
I can not get them out of my mind, no matter how hard I try, no matter I get facts that prove me wrong they stay there and mess with my.
Its so strange that thoughts and even wishful thinking can play this much with you.

Usually I enjoy having creative mind, thoughts all over the place and thing of new and interesting things.
but when they become unconstructive its not so good.

So wishful thinking is keeping me up at night ( so to speak ).
If I should try to find a possitive apsect of all of this, because keeping this possitive is one way that I make sense of all this, would be to look at this wish I have been feeling finally came alive. I realized that I still want it, and I want it badly.
It's clear to me that I have needs in this live that I always thought of but didnt realized how much I need it, or want it.
I feel that's a possitive aspect of my crazy thoughts.
I have realized what I want in life... and now it's about time to work towards it.

Things I want in life will not come easily, I know.
It will take more out of me than I'm used to, take strategies I haven't been successful with but I say.. I'm aware of that but I'm willing to give it a shoot.
I dont think I would ever be satisfied in life if I would never go for it. Fight for what I need and want in life.
Now I realized where my priorities need to lie.
something that I wasn't completely sure, although I knew needed it.

So even if my thoughts are unreal and keeping me insane... at least some good has come out of it.
For that I'm thankful!

I'm hoping for some hope!

When a thought takes place in your mind it can be hard to let that thought go, even though you know its wrong, not good for you, incapable of happening or just unrealistic.
The power of our mind is extreme. I dont think we realize actually how strong it is. It is so strong it can easily play tricks and make us believe whatever.
No matter how strong you think you are... your mind can be just as strong and have it's own agenda.
but of course, the mind is part of who you are so my beliefs are, that if you think about something and your mind starts to convince you it's true... it's something you want. either secretly or openly.

I'm in a situation now, where a wish or a hope came to my mind and for a second I thought it was coming true.. finally.
But when the course of time proved me wrong my mind still tries to make me belive there is hope..
Because deep down it's what I hope for, wish for, what I need.
so I'm allowing my mind to play this game on me and I'm playing along.
But I know it's wrong.. I just want to cling to this small chance of hope.. that my wish will come true no matter what.

It's not healthy.
I know that.
But while I'm still weak for this hope, I allow my emotions, my intellegence to be clouded by this wish I will not break free..
I will stay blind to these games.
But I am aware that I'm playing a fool, I'm setting myself up to fail, I'm going to be sad.
But as long as I can keep this feeling that my hope is alive.. I guess myself dont care.
Although I should care.

I know this makes no sense.. but this situation also makes no sense to me.
I'm senseless and cant get out of it..
no matter how I try.
I hope time will bring me closer to my senses.. to stop these games.
I hope for this hope to continue being a hope, but for the future.. not for the present!
- with love and hope -