Emotional baggage - where to leave it behind?

It's interesting how emotions work/dont work.
I have absolutely no idea, sometimes, why I feel the way I feel or why I'm not feeling something I think I should be feeling.

Last night, as I was practicing playing the guitar I decided to try to play one song. This is a beautiful song but I realized I hadnt heard it for almost 8 years but I sometimes think about it.
The reason I think about it is because I relate the song with a very sad and hard decision I had to make 8 years ago.
so of course I have gone out of my way to not hear it.

But somehow yesterday I though I would give it a go, especially since I would just be badly playing it and singing it myself.

After the first 5 worlds I just burst into tears.
I felt all these emotions, sadness, lonlienss, regret, wonder and lack of hope, just fill my consciousness.
And I couldnt stop crying.

I have often thought about the decision I took and I dont regret it.
I have come to terms with it, I even made sure I will always remember the choice I made and why it was the right decision.
I have talked to family about it.
I have cried, I have smiled, I have been hurt and I have been satisfied.
so I thought I had worked through my issues.

Yesterday, after only 5 words from one song.. I am not so sure I have worked through them all.
why would I cry if there is not something that is bothering me?
why cant I listen to a song that reminds me of hard times, when I believe I have made peace with my decision?
why are emotions so hard to control or even to understand?

Maybe my issues run deeper than I expected.
or maybe its not the decision I'm still having problems with, but the fear of no future possibilities.
maybe it's the fact that I'm losing hope, more than strengthen it.
maybe the decision I took many years ago, scared me in more areas than I knew.
Whatever it is, there is still some emotions lurking around, making me realize I need to do something more than I have been doing so far.

I just dont know what!
-with love-

Recent thoughts being challenged to gain the most from life!

I had a very interesting converstation today that made me rethink my thoughts I posted here yesterday about taking chances and not being afraid of losing out.
my cousin wanted to know if I would risk altering a great memory by reaching out to something that might not even be there in the first place.
and it's a valid question.

when you meet people, they leave impressions on you and then you go your seperate ways, you are left behind with the memories of laughter, jokes, kisses and fun.
if you reach out to that person, maybe not sure what will come out of it, those memories might lose its charm, they might change.
and why would they change?
Well, my thought is that, if that person does not answer, then your thoughts are colored with sadness.
if that person does answer but with negative feedback, your thoughts are colored with anger.
if that person does answer and with possitive feedback, your thoughts might drift away from the already created memories to hoping for future memories (again something that might not even happen)

So it is a fair question to ask someone who, like me, doesnt want to lose people from my life.
but is it always worth it, to reach out?
now, that's a topic I would love to discuss with someone out there.
because I'm honestly not sure.
Of course, memories are great, they create the life I lead and impact the path I take.
but if there is a change for something more, bigger impact, more stable impact.. wouldnt I want to take that chance?
I sit and I wonder, does it always pay of to take chances - is there something to lose but I just didnt realize it?

I guess this topic will need some more reflection on by part.
I want to make sure I get the best out of life - be that great memories, new people as friends and changing paths along the way.
I just need to think this through!

-with love-

nothing to lose, everything to gain!

I have been reading over my previous posts here and honestly they are very sad and heavy. maybe because I find it so hard to talk about it when I'm hurting, when something is bothering me or when I feel I'm not doing great.

The reason I wanted to start with this is because the other day I was talking to a friend of mine, and he says a thing that really made me think.
"I should introduce you to another friend of mine. She could learn a lot from you about enjoying life and being open minded"
so even if I'm hurting or having things on my mind, I make an effort in not taking it down on my friends. I want to make sure we have good times together as that might also help me in my thought process.

I have also decided to try (key word here try) to change my attitude and take more changes. I want to think I have nothing to lose, but everything to gain.
therefore I will not follow stupid rules in human relationships, rules that I feel just hinder growth and potential new friendships.
why should I lose out, just because I am too afraid to take a chance?
and if others dont agree then at least I tried.
more I cant do.
And I think that is what having an open mind also includes.
Not be closed of to experiences, people or processes - to challenge what others do and how things are expected to be done!

I hope to live up to this image my friend has of me.
I hope to continue take chances, because I'm the one who gains, others are the one that loses out on my relationships.
I hope to keep on writing my thoughts here to be able to keep on a smile and enjoy my time with friends and family.
I hope this will lead me to something great.
I'm sure it will.

-with love-