How is a life
that one moment spreads joy
and the next is covered in tears?
How is a life
where pain is to be
in love with the one?
How is a life
where the one you love
is there and not there?
How sad is my life,
when the day of joy
becomes overly sad?
How sad is my life
when tears decide my time
and I cry in the night?
How is a life
where you hope for the best
when sadness takes over?
that is a life I am willing to live!
Showing posts with label sorrow. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sorrow. Show all posts
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Balance in emotions lead to balance in work/life situations?
Today should be the last day of February but lucky me, there is one extra day this year. I had planned to be more active in writing here, to make sure I share my thoughts and hopefully learn more from sharing them and potentially gain some insight from others.
February has not been so kind to me in this sense.. or in any other aspect. When I look back on February I feel ashamed of myself and the lack of motivation and energy I‘ve been demonstrating. Even though I‘m feeling physically better... there has been something on my soul, or what I can say, that makes me waste my days in horrible ways with no productivity at all.
That is just not me.
But maybe this one month of de-motivation was what I needed? I hope so.. Because when I feel ashamed of myself I expect to perform better and be more organized and reach my potentials. I can NOT have one more month of doing absolutely nothing.
But anyways, my lack of motivation was not going to be my main subject for this post. But rather state of mind – which motivation belongs to – and what affects this state of mind and how it affects your daily life.
There have been many things happening this month.. sad, hurtful, joyful moments have come and gone. I‘ve been happy one minute and then cried the next. I‘ve rekindled friendship, I‘ve experienced a crush, I‘ve had an argument and I‘ve felt hurt by people I care about. when I look back on February I‘m glad about my personal life but sad about my professional life.
So my main question for this post is „how to make a balance between personal and professional feelings and motivation?“
I read somewhere that if you are happy at home you take that attitude and state of mind to your work. And vice versa. And usually that has been my case.
But my state of mind this month has been so up and down, so back and forth, so unclear and so focused that I cannot seem to find any balance. Or at least not in the beginning of the month. Now, as I reflect on my actions this month and my awareness of my mindset, my willingness to alter that mindset have started to sink in.. and I‘m feeling smile come over more as well as I feel little things are creating energy within me. Something that my mindset earlier this month would not allow.
But what happened?
My personal belief is that when your feelings are so messed up you find it hard to direct any motivation from them in the areas where the motivation and energy is needed. So despite the fact that generally I feel happy personally, the mix of emotions that led to that happiness created a hinder for my motivation on my professional site. Without knowing it I blamed boredom and unappealing projects for the lack of motivation, when deep down it was me that was failing myself.
Why the positive change?
I started thinking more, being critical about my behaviour and that led to this shame I feel, this understanding that this messiness is not me. I start to appreciate the small things again. The sun, the birds, the art I see, the different environments I encounter and the people who really treat me nice. I was too focused on one thing and one thing only. And balance does not come from that. My state of mind was challenged and I have started to let go.. and make sure others are let in. My mindset has altered and I feel the smile come back.
So my last thoughts as I allow February to pass with its heart ache, its tears, its smiles and its love, is that I have to be careful of what creates my balance, and what mindset I have to be in to allow this to happen.
I have to be open-minded as the small things, the unexpected things, the surroundings, are the main contribution to my happiness and energy. So with the right mindset and happy feelings, I feel much more ready to enter March and tackle it with more productivity than I have shown in the passing month.
I hope this post made any sense to you – as I write it, I start making more sense of it myself.
-with love-
February has not been so kind to me in this sense.. or in any other aspect. When I look back on February I feel ashamed of myself and the lack of motivation and energy I‘ve been demonstrating. Even though I‘m feeling physically better... there has been something on my soul, or what I can say, that makes me waste my days in horrible ways with no productivity at all.
That is just not me.
But maybe this one month of de-motivation was what I needed? I hope so.. Because when I feel ashamed of myself I expect to perform better and be more organized and reach my potentials. I can NOT have one more month of doing absolutely nothing.
But anyways, my lack of motivation was not going to be my main subject for this post. But rather state of mind – which motivation belongs to – and what affects this state of mind and how it affects your daily life.
There have been many things happening this month.. sad, hurtful, joyful moments have come and gone. I‘ve been happy one minute and then cried the next. I‘ve rekindled friendship, I‘ve experienced a crush, I‘ve had an argument and I‘ve felt hurt by people I care about. when I look back on February I‘m glad about my personal life but sad about my professional life.
So my main question for this post is „how to make a balance between personal and professional feelings and motivation?“
I read somewhere that if you are happy at home you take that attitude and state of mind to your work. And vice versa. And usually that has been my case.
But my state of mind this month has been so up and down, so back and forth, so unclear and so focused that I cannot seem to find any balance. Or at least not in the beginning of the month. Now, as I reflect on my actions this month and my awareness of my mindset, my willingness to alter that mindset have started to sink in.. and I‘m feeling smile come over more as well as I feel little things are creating energy within me. Something that my mindset earlier this month would not allow.
But what happened?
My personal belief is that when your feelings are so messed up you find it hard to direct any motivation from them in the areas where the motivation and energy is needed. So despite the fact that generally I feel happy personally, the mix of emotions that led to that happiness created a hinder for my motivation on my professional site. Without knowing it I blamed boredom and unappealing projects for the lack of motivation, when deep down it was me that was failing myself.
Why the positive change?
I started thinking more, being critical about my behaviour and that led to this shame I feel, this understanding that this messiness is not me. I start to appreciate the small things again. The sun, the birds, the art I see, the different environments I encounter and the people who really treat me nice. I was too focused on one thing and one thing only. And balance does not come from that. My state of mind was challenged and I have started to let go.. and make sure others are let in. My mindset has altered and I feel the smile come back.
So my last thoughts as I allow February to pass with its heart ache, its tears, its smiles and its love, is that I have to be careful of what creates my balance, and what mindset I have to be in to allow this to happen.
I have to be open-minded as the small things, the unexpected things, the surroundings, are the main contribution to my happiness and energy. So with the right mindset and happy feelings, I feel much more ready to enter March and tackle it with more productivity than I have shown in the passing month.
I hope this post made any sense to you – as I write it, I start making more sense of it myself.
-with love-
Saturday, October 22, 2011
My role as family and a friend! I take it seriously.
Today was a difficult day for a friend of mine. Technically it was yesterday but as I started to write this post I got lost in previous posts on my blogs and found a video I posted few years back.
It felt right, viewing this video as I pay my respects to my friend and her difficulties. The video reminded me just how important family is to me.
My friend lost her younger brother 5 years ago and today would have been his birthday. It is a day when memories are visited, when tears are allowed to fall, where love is celebrated. It is hard, I'm sure. But my friend is strong.
There is not much I can do to brighten her spirit on a day like today.
except be there and make sure she knows I'm thinking of her and her family, who are all dear to me.
the video I just watched has pictures of my family members who I miss greatly. My grandfather who past away 3 years ago became real again, just for the short moment this video played on.
I miss him.
I miss my family, being so far away.
and friends are my family as well.
So if they are hurting, I am hurting.
therefore I want to be there for my family and friends.
Much as I wish I could help her to be strong, I know that grief will not go away. it is part of the healing process, the process of remembering something precious you had but lost. tears are necessary in that process, smiles are crucial.
And you have to go through the emotions.
I feel it now as I remember my grandfather, with tears in my eyes but smile on my face because the memories are amazing.
I hope my friend feels the same.
And my role in all this, just being there when she needs me, smile with her if she wants, cry with her so she doesnt feel alone.
And she will do the same for me!!
that is family!
-with love-
It felt right, viewing this video as I pay my respects to my friend and her difficulties. The video reminded me just how important family is to me.
My friend lost her younger brother 5 years ago and today would have been his birthday. It is a day when memories are visited, when tears are allowed to fall, where love is celebrated. It is hard, I'm sure. But my friend is strong.
There is not much I can do to brighten her spirit on a day like today.
except be there and make sure she knows I'm thinking of her and her family, who are all dear to me.
the video I just watched has pictures of my family members who I miss greatly. My grandfather who past away 3 years ago became real again, just for the short moment this video played on.
I miss him.
I miss my family, being so far away.
and friends are my family as well.
So if they are hurting, I am hurting.
therefore I want to be there for my family and friends.
Much as I wish I could help her to be strong, I know that grief will not go away. it is part of the healing process, the process of remembering something precious you had but lost. tears are necessary in that process, smiles are crucial.
And you have to go through the emotions.
I feel it now as I remember my grandfather, with tears in my eyes but smile on my face because the memories are amazing.
I hope my friend feels the same.
And my role in all this, just being there when she needs me, smile with her if she wants, cry with her so she doesnt feel alone.
And she will do the same for me!!
that is family!
-with love-
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Good vs. Sad: what will be your learning from the pain?
No one ever said that life was fair so I try never to take things for granted and work for what I want, hang out with friends, talk everyday with my family and hang on to things that make me smile.
Life has good things, bad things, great things, sad things and everything in between to offer. Well, its not so much as offering but forcing.
and as people, we prefer, of course, the great happy things.
but when sad things happen, it is then when you understand your strength as a person, your relationship with your family and friends, and you learn to appreciate the good things in life again.
but somehow, when time passes, we are likely to forget what we learnt from the event, our strength, our hopes, our valuable relationships and only focus on the hurt that followed.
and even though it is said, that time heals all wounds.. its not completely true.
some wounds are so deep.
so for me, even though I face sad and hurtful events in my life, I try to support my family, I try to heal the relationships that I have, and I try not to forget.
I cry.
I cry even more.
and then, as time passes.. I look back at the sad events in life and try not to think so much about the hurt they caused, but the strength that I showed. I think about the friendships that I have to tend to, my relationship with family that I have to keep strong and loving.
I know it might be strange to read this,
but the only hope I have for writing this post is that people understand that dont think only about Good vs. Sad things..
but think more about how do I react with certain events, and what do I have to learn from them. Especially the sad ones, as we might tend to think only about the hurt they brought (which I cannot say, "let go"). but try to take it one step further.
Life isnt fair,
It is full of hurt, sadness, pain and cries.
But it is also full of broken relationships, friends that are around the corner and strength waiting to be used.
and my experience is that, these things need nurturing, and usually the thought starts when you're hurting.
so learn from it, dont allow it to break you.
be strong.. that is the time to be so.
and you'll be able to look back with sadness and hurt but still understand that you did whatever you could to come out of it a better person, a person who's family relies on, depends on and looks up to.
Isnt that something we all want and strive for?
I want to be someone people feel they can trust, talk to, lean on, and cry (or smile)with.
but I have to learn to be that person.
and I believe I'm on that learning path.
what about you?
- with love -
Life has good things, bad things, great things, sad things and everything in between to offer. Well, its not so much as offering but forcing.
and as people, we prefer, of course, the great happy things.
but when sad things happen, it is then when you understand your strength as a person, your relationship with your family and friends, and you learn to appreciate the good things in life again.
but somehow, when time passes, we are likely to forget what we learnt from the event, our strength, our hopes, our valuable relationships and only focus on the hurt that followed.
and even though it is said, that time heals all wounds.. its not completely true.
some wounds are so deep.
so for me, even though I face sad and hurtful events in my life, I try to support my family, I try to heal the relationships that I have, and I try not to forget.
I cry.
I cry even more.
and then, as time passes.. I look back at the sad events in life and try not to think so much about the hurt they caused, but the strength that I showed. I think about the friendships that I have to tend to, my relationship with family that I have to keep strong and loving.
I know it might be strange to read this,
but the only hope I have for writing this post is that people understand that dont think only about Good vs. Sad things..
but think more about how do I react with certain events, and what do I have to learn from them. Especially the sad ones, as we might tend to think only about the hurt they brought (which I cannot say, "let go"). but try to take it one step further.
Life isnt fair,
It is full of hurt, sadness, pain and cries.
But it is also full of broken relationships, friends that are around the corner and strength waiting to be used.
and my experience is that, these things need nurturing, and usually the thought starts when you're hurting.
so learn from it, dont allow it to break you.
be strong.. that is the time to be so.
and you'll be able to look back with sadness and hurt but still understand that you did whatever you could to come out of it a better person, a person who's family relies on, depends on and looks up to.
Isnt that something we all want and strive for?
I want to be someone people feel they can trust, talk to, lean on, and cry (or smile)with.
but I have to learn to be that person.
and I believe I'm on that learning path.
what about you?
- with love -
Friday, July 29, 2011
Emotional baggage - where to leave it behind?
It's interesting how emotions work/dont work.
I have absolutely no idea, sometimes, why I feel the way I feel or why I'm not feeling something I think I should be feeling.
Last night, as I was practicing playing the guitar I decided to try to play one song. This is a beautiful song but I realized I hadnt heard it for almost 8 years but I sometimes think about it.
The reason I think about it is because I relate the song with a very sad and hard decision I had to make 8 years ago.
so of course I have gone out of my way to not hear it.
But somehow yesterday I though I would give it a go, especially since I would just be badly playing it and singing it myself.
After the first 5 worlds I just burst into tears.
I felt all these emotions, sadness, lonlienss, regret, wonder and lack of hope, just fill my consciousness.
And I couldnt stop crying.
I have often thought about the decision I took and I dont regret it.
I have come to terms with it, I even made sure I will always remember the choice I made and why it was the right decision.
I have talked to family about it.
I have cried, I have smiled, I have been hurt and I have been satisfied.
so I thought I had worked through my issues.
Yesterday, after only 5 words from one song.. I am not so sure I have worked through them all.
why would I cry if there is not something that is bothering me?
why cant I listen to a song that reminds me of hard times, when I believe I have made peace with my decision?
why are emotions so hard to control or even to understand?
Maybe my issues run deeper than I expected.
or maybe its not the decision I'm still having problems with, but the fear of no future possibilities.
maybe it's the fact that I'm losing hope, more than strengthen it.
maybe the decision I took many years ago, scared me in more areas than I knew.
Whatever it is, there is still some emotions lurking around, making me realize I need to do something more than I have been doing so far.
I just dont know what!
-with love-
I have absolutely no idea, sometimes, why I feel the way I feel or why I'm not feeling something I think I should be feeling.
Last night, as I was practicing playing the guitar I decided to try to play one song. This is a beautiful song but I realized I hadnt heard it for almost 8 years but I sometimes think about it.
The reason I think about it is because I relate the song with a very sad and hard decision I had to make 8 years ago.
so of course I have gone out of my way to not hear it.
But somehow yesterday I though I would give it a go, especially since I would just be badly playing it and singing it myself.
After the first 5 worlds I just burst into tears.
I felt all these emotions, sadness, lonlienss, regret, wonder and lack of hope, just fill my consciousness.
And I couldnt stop crying.
I have often thought about the decision I took and I dont regret it.
I have come to terms with it, I even made sure I will always remember the choice I made and why it was the right decision.
I have talked to family about it.
I have cried, I have smiled, I have been hurt and I have been satisfied.
so I thought I had worked through my issues.
Yesterday, after only 5 words from one song.. I am not so sure I have worked through them all.
why would I cry if there is not something that is bothering me?
why cant I listen to a song that reminds me of hard times, when I believe I have made peace with my decision?
why are emotions so hard to control or even to understand?
Maybe my issues run deeper than I expected.
or maybe its not the decision I'm still having problems with, but the fear of no future possibilities.
maybe it's the fact that I'm losing hope, more than strengthen it.
maybe the decision I took many years ago, scared me in more areas than I knew.
Whatever it is, there is still some emotions lurking around, making me realize I need to do something more than I have been doing so far.
I just dont know what!
-with love-
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
bringing hidden agenda into the light!
Our life and experiences is something we can and should share with others, both for enlightenment as well as for just talk about their life.
for some of us, though, there are times in our lives that by some reasons we can not share, due to secrets, promises, bad experiences or choices we're not proud of.
believe me I have few of those experiences but when I look back at them most of them I learned something, I gained something ( even if I lost something/someone ) and in my experience sharing has usually brought me closer to understanding my learnings.
I know sometimes you have to keep a secret, promise not to tell or share, live with bad decisions or whatever, but in the long term you should be able to find out what you learned as a person. what did that period have to do with who you are now as a person. How you can avoid or reach out to new or old friends or things.
Its important.
Although it is important it is hard to make sense to these times, these events, these people.
My opinion is that I need to try.
if not, it hunts me, frustrates me or scares me, hurts me and hinders me from growing.
I dont want that.
I cant afford that.
So how can I start to make sense to my "darker/hidden" periods, people in it, events attended, love lived and/or lost?
How can I start to open up after being closed for such a long time, wondering what it meant, if it meant anything at all?
How can I overcome this hiding and realize how it is affecting me today?
how is what I want to know!
-with love-
for some of us, though, there are times in our lives that by some reasons we can not share, due to secrets, promises, bad experiences or choices we're not proud of.
believe me I have few of those experiences but when I look back at them most of them I learned something, I gained something ( even if I lost something/someone ) and in my experience sharing has usually brought me closer to understanding my learnings.
I know sometimes you have to keep a secret, promise not to tell or share, live with bad decisions or whatever, but in the long term you should be able to find out what you learned as a person. what did that period have to do with who you are now as a person. How you can avoid or reach out to new or old friends or things.
Its important.
Although it is important it is hard to make sense to these times, these events, these people.
My opinion is that I need to try.
if not, it hunts me, frustrates me or scares me, hurts me and hinders me from growing.
I dont want that.
I cant afford that.
So how can I start to make sense to my "darker/hidden" periods, people in it, events attended, love lived and/or lost?
How can I start to open up after being closed for such a long time, wondering what it meant, if it meant anything at all?
How can I overcome this hiding and realize how it is affecting me today?
how is what I want to know!
-with love-
Sunday, June 13, 2010
when it rains - it pours! so to speak!
It is in times when you get bad news you start understanding your strength and the power of the relationship you have with your family, or those involved in the bad news.
Today I got bad news, it left me shocked, it left me with tears in my eyes.
I guess life needs to be balanced, good and bad come in package. you cant have one without the other.
It's a matter of how you handle the time when bad news arrive in your life.. I look inside, channel my thoughts to the good time, share my feelings with people I trust and try to continue with my life.
But it is hard.
News that affect you can take energy out of you, leave you stranded..
and how can you get back on track when once stranded?
I'm in a search for answers to these how questions of mine.
I will not be left behind stranded and sinking..
I will get free, with my strength and my power..
But I might need support..
and I'm not afraid to look for it..
- with love -
Today I got bad news, it left me shocked, it left me with tears in my eyes.
I guess life needs to be balanced, good and bad come in package. you cant have one without the other.
It's a matter of how you handle the time when bad news arrive in your life.. I look inside, channel my thoughts to the good time, share my feelings with people I trust and try to continue with my life.
But it is hard.
News that affect you can take energy out of you, leave you stranded..
and how can you get back on track when once stranded?
I'm in a search for answers to these how questions of mine.
I will not be left behind stranded and sinking..
I will get free, with my strength and my power..
But I might need support..
and I'm not afraid to look for it..
- with love -
Friday, November 20, 2009
Selfishness on all levels :s
when you find out that all your hard work, sleepless nights, blood, sweat and tears haven't been successful it's like a slap in your face. All your wind is out, energy is low and you feel bad.
Not bad for your little success but because even though you gave it your all - it still wasn't good enough.
Your self-esteem takes a hit and you wonder.. why am I bothering since my best is not good enough?
I'm feeling like this now..
But also what comes to mind is "if at first you dont succeed - try again".
I dont know why this is hitting me so hard today.
Maybe because I know I gave it my all and therefore I'm not going to become better. If I didn't understand and do better - what implies I will do better next time?
I think the reason why I get so sad is because I feel sorry for myself.
Instead of taking this and roll with it, making my mind on doing better I stop and be sad, feel sorry for myself and believe I deserve it.
But I dont.
I did my best and obiously it wasn't what was needed.
So why do I keep feeling sorry for myself?
Why do people do that?
Well, I have always believed that we are selfish creatures with focus on our best benefits, our best solution and our rights - weather it's actually right or not!
I think this is showing a little my selfishness.
So I better stop.
I know it's hard to get less recognition from a hard work than you expected.
I have experienced it.
I know that people demand what they believe they deserve.
I have done the same.
But those feelings will not bring me better results next time.
So I better stop and do.
Do the best I can and just cross my finger and hope it's the right thing to do at that point in time.
It's all I can do.
That and stop my selfishness!
-with love-
Not bad for your little success but because even though you gave it your all - it still wasn't good enough.
Your self-esteem takes a hit and you wonder.. why am I bothering since my best is not good enough?
I'm feeling like this now..
But also what comes to mind is "if at first you dont succeed - try again".
I dont know why this is hitting me so hard today.
Maybe because I know I gave it my all and therefore I'm not going to become better. If I didn't understand and do better - what implies I will do better next time?
I think the reason why I get so sad is because I feel sorry for myself.
Instead of taking this and roll with it, making my mind on doing better I stop and be sad, feel sorry for myself and believe I deserve it.
But I dont.
I did my best and obiously it wasn't what was needed.
So why do I keep feeling sorry for myself?
Why do people do that?
Well, I have always believed that we are selfish creatures with focus on our best benefits, our best solution and our rights - weather it's actually right or not!
I think this is showing a little my selfishness.
So I better stop.
I know it's hard to get less recognition from a hard work than you expected.
I have experienced it.
I know that people demand what they believe they deserve.
I have done the same.
But those feelings will not bring me better results next time.
So I better stop and do.
Do the best I can and just cross my finger and hope it's the right thing to do at that point in time.
It's all I can do.
That and stop my selfishness!
-with love-
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Indulgence - where art thou
Sitting in my bed with no light except the one from the computer, playing “the first cut is the deepest” with Duffy I’m feeling a little blue ( and no – it’s not from the cold in my apartment ;) )
I have to give up one thing that really makes my day good. One thing I look forward while waiting for breaks in classes, my way to wake up – Coffee!
These past few days I have been having heartburn and feeling quite tired. But I have also been drinking way to much coffee ( according to some people ). And to find out if the coffee is making my feeling bad, I need to take a break.
It sounds very simple when I’m writing this where, the music has changed to Creed playing very melancholy song – fitting very well to my feeling.
But when I actually think about giving up something that means a lot, makes an impact and I enjoy it doesn’t seem so simple anymore.
Why do I feel like that when I know it’s better for me to leave it. It might be the thing that is causing my heartburns?
Why do we have such hard times giving up the bad habits but we find it so easy to take new ones on?
Listening to the words of Red hot Chili Peppers – we just have to give it away.
Why isn’t it just that simple when you realize what it is you should give away?
Sometimes I find the human mind, feelings and stubbornness a very interesting issue. I have so little knowledge when it comes to these things. But I do like asking questions, challenge and wonder why I’m so weak at some areas when I’m so strong in others.
What decides where I’m stronger and where I’m not as strong and where I am a complete mess?
I’m not happy as I go into a new day where I will leave out few things that I like. I love myself to much ( meaning I don’t want to do hard things even though they are best ) to take something from me – but now it’s asked by someone else, someone who cares about me enough to make me realize what I need to do. And then I need to listen.
I need to by extra strong this week – without my coffee ;)
-With love -
I have to give up one thing that really makes my day good. One thing I look forward while waiting for breaks in classes, my way to wake up – Coffee!
These past few days I have been having heartburn and feeling quite tired. But I have also been drinking way to much coffee ( according to some people ). And to find out if the coffee is making my feeling bad, I need to take a break.
It sounds very simple when I’m writing this where, the music has changed to Creed playing very melancholy song – fitting very well to my feeling.
But when I actually think about giving up something that means a lot, makes an impact and I enjoy it doesn’t seem so simple anymore.
Why do I feel like that when I know it’s better for me to leave it. It might be the thing that is causing my heartburns?
Why do we have such hard times giving up the bad habits but we find it so easy to take new ones on?
Listening to the words of Red hot Chili Peppers – we just have to give it away.
Why isn’t it just that simple when you realize what it is you should give away?
Sometimes I find the human mind, feelings and stubbornness a very interesting issue. I have so little knowledge when it comes to these things. But I do like asking questions, challenge and wonder why I’m so weak at some areas when I’m so strong in others.
What decides where I’m stronger and where I’m not as strong and where I am a complete mess?
I’m not happy as I go into a new day where I will leave out few things that I like. I love myself to much ( meaning I don’t want to do hard things even though they are best ) to take something from me – but now it’s asked by someone else, someone who cares about me enough to make me realize what I need to do. And then I need to listen.
I need to by extra strong this week – without my coffee ;)
-With love -
Saturday, June 13, 2009
No wind in my sails today!
There is a saying that says " you never know what you have until you loose it".
Today I'm living this saying, this feeling, this emptiness.
Today I got 2 extremely bad news that just took all the wind out of me. I walked around, went back to bed, cried and reflected.
A person I knew few years ago was found dead at his room yesterday morning. It's so sad to hear. It's always sad when a young person in the prime of life is taken earlier then we expected.
I have not stayed in touch with him for years but we were in the same class all though school. So in a way we grew up together.
He lived in the same street as I did when I was younger but went in a different direction then I did.
That happens.
What surprised me is my reactions.
I cried and cried.
I lost all energy,
and I keep thinking that life's too short to play games and not dream.
A friend told me this and all I could do is think.
Think about why?
A sentence I wrote couple of years ago goes something like this:
"I believe that good people that leave this life too soon are meant to be angels"
I do believe that.
they are meant to guide others from a distance.
They have some knowledge or skill that is needed for others walking on the earth.
I do believe this.
Without all energy today my mind has gone crazy.
thinking about love, life, dreams, hopes, fears and family.
If I only live once I need to get the most out of the life. How?
I feel compassion and sympathy to this young mans family and friends.
I wish them all the best and I hope there will be light in the end of this experience.
I sincerely hope they get through this horrible time.
My mind is still going crazy.
I have things to think about. things to decide and things to try and see if they are meant to be.
We only live once.
Let's make the most of it.
-with love -
Today I'm living this saying, this feeling, this emptiness.
Today I got 2 extremely bad news that just took all the wind out of me. I walked around, went back to bed, cried and reflected.
A person I knew few years ago was found dead at his room yesterday morning. It's so sad to hear. It's always sad when a young person in the prime of life is taken earlier then we expected.
I have not stayed in touch with him for years but we were in the same class all though school. So in a way we grew up together.
He lived in the same street as I did when I was younger but went in a different direction then I did.
That happens.
What surprised me is my reactions.
I cried and cried.
I lost all energy,
and I keep thinking that life's too short to play games and not dream.
A friend told me this and all I could do is think.
Think about why?
A sentence I wrote couple of years ago goes something like this:
"I believe that good people that leave this life too soon are meant to be angels"
I do believe that.
they are meant to guide others from a distance.
They have some knowledge or skill that is needed for others walking on the earth.
I do believe this.
Without all energy today my mind has gone crazy.
thinking about love, life, dreams, hopes, fears and family.
If I only live once I need to get the most out of the life. How?
I feel compassion and sympathy to this young mans family and friends.
I wish them all the best and I hope there will be light in the end of this experience.
I sincerely hope they get through this horrible time.
My mind is still going crazy.
I have things to think about. things to decide and things to try and see if they are meant to be.
We only live once.
Let's make the most of it.
-with love -
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Finding the words to say Goodbye
My mind is no longer here in Paris as days pass and I have just few more days until I leave this chapter of my life and head back home to Iceland.
Last night I had to write a letter.
it was hard, it was strange, it was needed.
Saying my final goodbyes to a role and potentially to an organization that I have been a part of for 1/5 of my life.
Saying goodbye is always hard, specially when a big 'thing' is about to leave your life.
I have had to say goodbye before, with sadness and regret, hoping it wouldn't actually go away. A closed chapter I wanted to continue.
I remember all my tears I cried after saying those goodbyes.
I remember feeling bad for days and not thinking about anything else.
This time it's different.
There are no tears that follow this goodbye, there is no regret or hope for continue.
But there is of course little sadness.
5 years is a long time and I will feel something as I start closing this chapter and getting ready to start an new one.
The letter will be sent.
That will be my closure!
- with love -
Last night I had to write a letter.
it was hard, it was strange, it was needed.
Saying my final goodbyes to a role and potentially to an organization that I have been a part of for 1/5 of my life.
Saying goodbye is always hard, specially when a big 'thing' is about to leave your life.
I have had to say goodbye before, with sadness and regret, hoping it wouldn't actually go away. A closed chapter I wanted to continue.
I remember all my tears I cried after saying those goodbyes.
I remember feeling bad for days and not thinking about anything else.
This time it's different.
There are no tears that follow this goodbye, there is no regret or hope for continue.
But there is of course little sadness.
5 years is a long time and I will feel something as I start closing this chapter and getting ready to start an new one.
The letter will be sent.
That will be my closure!
- with love -
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Sharing of feelings and frustrations
This morning I have been questioning me and the reasons I'm fighting in this role.
I'm questioning my motives to stay, my thoughts of wanting to quit and the value of my work as well as questioning other people's behavior towards me when I'm feeling this stressed out.
This morning I have felt inferior, tiny and unappreciated.
And I wonder if it's because the people that I'm trying to communicate with dont see the reason for me to be stressed, for being angry and for wanting to change some things.
Am I overreacting?
is that giving them reason to make me feel so small?
Am I making more from the situation then actually is there?
Why would I question myself if everything is as I feel, as I see it and as bad as I say?
I'm guilty because I'm not motivated to do my work because I feel like I should stick it out.
But then, family and friends - whose who care about me - tell me to leave. It's not shameful to leave when you are treated like dirt, it's not my fault, that I have done everything I can.
Again, I question that - Have I done everything I can?
Did I absolutely try?
In my heart I feel the answer is yes.
I have looked the other way when areas of my life were so challenging that I wouldnt sleep at night.
I have done the best I can communicating and being transparent in my role.
I have informed individuals about the situation and offered my help to make things better - even if it's not my role to do so.
I have smiled, laughed, cried, screamed and still I'm sitting at the chair and questioning am I doing something wrong?
Why do I feel as it's my fault?
Today I feel like this is it!
Today I want to walk out and never come back.
Today I will try to smile and make this day go by knowing the people I work with do not care ( as far as I can feel )
and today will be another day at the office with no motivation and feeling waist of time.
Just a random sharing of my feelings - today they are lower then usual.
Tomorrow I will back to my smiling self!
- with love and hope for better days to come -
I'm questioning my motives to stay, my thoughts of wanting to quit and the value of my work as well as questioning other people's behavior towards me when I'm feeling this stressed out.
This morning I have felt inferior, tiny and unappreciated.
And I wonder if it's because the people that I'm trying to communicate with dont see the reason for me to be stressed, for being angry and for wanting to change some things.
Am I overreacting?
is that giving them reason to make me feel so small?
Am I making more from the situation then actually is there?
Why would I question myself if everything is as I feel, as I see it and as bad as I say?
I'm guilty because I'm not motivated to do my work because I feel like I should stick it out.
But then, family and friends - whose who care about me - tell me to leave. It's not shameful to leave when you are treated like dirt, it's not my fault, that I have done everything I can.
Again, I question that - Have I done everything I can?
Did I absolutely try?
In my heart I feel the answer is yes.
I have looked the other way when areas of my life were so challenging that I wouldnt sleep at night.
I have done the best I can communicating and being transparent in my role.
I have informed individuals about the situation and offered my help to make things better - even if it's not my role to do so.
I have smiled, laughed, cried, screamed and still I'm sitting at the chair and questioning am I doing something wrong?
Why do I feel as it's my fault?
Today I feel like this is it!
Today I want to walk out and never come back.
Today I will try to smile and make this day go by knowing the people I work with do not care ( as far as I can feel )
and today will be another day at the office with no motivation and feeling waist of time.
Just a random sharing of my feelings - today they are lower then usual.
Tomorrow I will back to my smiling self!
- with love and hope for better days to come -
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Wishing to be somewhere else?
It's intense how your mental state can affect your physical state.
Last night, on my way home, I started to feel sick. But there was nothing wrong with me.
I have just been stressed, nervous and excited these passed few days and it's manifested itself in sickness.
Life could be better, I know that.
I am counting days until I can leave to do something else, be with someone else and do something else.
It's hard when you are thinking like this, wanting to drop everything and leave.
But that's how I feel.
So now I keep thinking - 10 days for the exam. 11 days until I go somewhere else.
only 11 days.
That's not so bad.
And there is only short time left - less then 4 months and I'm back in iceland. 4 months will fly by faster then I can hope for - I hope.
So now is time to think ahead, smile and try to make time fly.
- with love -
Last night, on my way home, I started to feel sick. But there was nothing wrong with me.
I have just been stressed, nervous and excited these passed few days and it's manifested itself in sickness.
Life could be better, I know that.
I am counting days until I can leave to do something else, be with someone else and do something else.
It's hard when you are thinking like this, wanting to drop everything and leave.
But that's how I feel.
So now I keep thinking - 10 days for the exam. 11 days until I go somewhere else.
only 11 days.
That's not so bad.
And there is only short time left - less then 4 months and I'm back in iceland. 4 months will fly by faster then I can hope for - I hope.
So now is time to think ahead, smile and try to make time fly.
- with love -
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
when the heavens are crying
The other day I had a dream about my grandfather, but he passed away last July.
He looked so happy with constant smile on his face, enjoying his time with the family ( in the dream ) and I remember how peaceful I felt when I woke up.
Today is the day when you honor the people that have passed away, those people that ment the world to you and you cherish every moment you had with when they were alive.
I knew about this day but I didn't connect it with my dreams of my grandfather.
Now I see that this was my way to connect, to honor, to remember.
Share my dream with him, laugh together, smile together and share random jokes like old times.
When I was told about this day, honor those who have passed away, I didn't really understand why.
But as the day comes closer and I reconnect with my grandfather, I understand completely. I understand that it's about honoring the life of that person, honoring their impact they had on you and to strengthen your ties with that person.
This day makes so much sense to me now.
I know my grandfather is happy with how strong I am, the life I'm living and the way I treat and respect people around me.
But I also know that he's happy knowing that I remember, honor and respect him.
When I was walking to the office today it rained heavily and a sentance came to my mind in Icelandic... Himnarnir Gráta ( the heavens are weaping ) and the reason again is the concept of today.
We feel sad when people leave us, that we will not have more time, moments, jokes and laughter with that individual.
It's not the fact that it's raining that I connect with the concept.. but it's the feeling I get when it's stopped raining. That feeling is of new beginning.. fresh breath and green grass..
That is what I connect with today.
Knowing that life is not forever.. make every moment a fresh breath of air in your life so that you enjoy your path you're taking.
I'm smiling as I write this.. knowing that this post is a little chaotic, little unclear and little strange.
But it makes complete sense to me.
- with love -
He looked so happy with constant smile on his face, enjoying his time with the family ( in the dream ) and I remember how peaceful I felt when I woke up.
Today is the day when you honor the people that have passed away, those people that ment the world to you and you cherish every moment you had with when they were alive.
I knew about this day but I didn't connect it with my dreams of my grandfather.
Now I see that this was my way to connect, to honor, to remember.
Share my dream with him, laugh together, smile together and share random jokes like old times.
When I was told about this day, honor those who have passed away, I didn't really understand why.
But as the day comes closer and I reconnect with my grandfather, I understand completely. I understand that it's about honoring the life of that person, honoring their impact they had on you and to strengthen your ties with that person.
This day makes so much sense to me now.
I know my grandfather is happy with how strong I am, the life I'm living and the way I treat and respect people around me.
But I also know that he's happy knowing that I remember, honor and respect him.
When I was walking to the office today it rained heavily and a sentance came to my mind in Icelandic... Himnarnir Gráta ( the heavens are weaping ) and the reason again is the concept of today.
We feel sad when people leave us, that we will not have more time, moments, jokes and laughter with that individual.
It's not the fact that it's raining that I connect with the concept.. but it's the feeling I get when it's stopped raining. That feeling is of new beginning.. fresh breath and green grass..
That is what I connect with today.
Knowing that life is not forever.. make every moment a fresh breath of air in your life so that you enjoy your path you're taking.
I'm smiling as I write this.. knowing that this post is a little chaotic, little unclear and little strange.
But it makes complete sense to me.
- with love -
Friday, October 24, 2008
Dont let the sun go down !
Even though I’m enjoying my time in Paris, tryin to be strong though unsertanty is waiting for me, I do have times when I just break down and I give up.
I just want to give up.
I know I’m strong, stronger then most people give me credit for.
But when things keep on being bad, keep on rattling my cage, keep on changing, I do have a limit before i just burst.
This morning, things went over the limit.
I gave up – wanted to go back home.
So I sat down, with tears in my eyes, and tried to have energy to work. Somehow I couldn’t find it.
My energy was gone, along with the motivation to work.
I know one of my weaknesses is that i complain and make myself a victim.
So I do my best not to make this shine through, since I want to work on my weaknesses and enhance my strengths.
But sometimes people dont know you are feeling bad, sad, low, down or upset unless you show it.
One of my dearest friends asked me what was wrong so I told her.
I told her my frustrations, my lack of motivation and my reasons for feeling low.
I’m very glad that I did.
She told me” look Thordis, You can not give up. You are one of the strongest individual I know. Good things will happen to you. Just keep on fighting”
This girl is one of the friends I admire the most, and I dont want to let her down.These few words made me realize that yes, maybe I do have a bad day today. But I do live a great life, I do have the best friends and I do have people around me that support me when I’m feeling low.
It made me realize that I dont want to give up. I do want to make this the best experience of my life, and even if it comes with big challenges, I’m not going to give up.
I’m strong!
So now I’m going to smile through this “crisis” and hope that tomorrow will be a better day.
- with love -
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
when you feel sad and blue
It's so sad when you feel like you are so small and that what you want/who you want is just not there for you to hold on to.
Its so sad to feel like you are just the "friend", just the one who stands in the corner, the one who knows everyone on superficial level but no one really tries to understand and appriciate.
It's so sad that people look at appearances, that people have steriotypes, that people have very strict messures of what beauty actually is.
It's so sad that when you want to fit in, people and circumstances wont let you.
It's so sad that in order to feel appriciated you can not expect more then being just this random person who is a platonic friend but everyone talks to but not really TALKS to.
It's so sad to know that this happen to different people every day, even when they should be in a group of people that they can trust, respect and value their thoughts.
Sometimes that's just on the surface, when you dig deeper you realize that these nice words, these nice moments weren't really real! you just asumed they were because you believe your actions towards them are real.
this is so sad to know.
ON the other hand...
it's so nice to know that there are people that appriciate what you do, what you have to add to the conversations and they listen with attention and really mean it.
It's nice to know that people you work with, people you have high expectations of really come through in the end.
It's nice to know that even though you feel bad because of things mentioned above, peope will make you smile.
Maybe it's not the people you wanted to make you smile. But those who do make you smile, make you forget that you feel sad, you really need to show them appriciation.
Otherwise you are the reason why they are sad as well.
Just some random thoughts coming to my mind in Slovakia.
my mind functions in various ways... this is just one of them.
Its so sad to feel like you are just the "friend", just the one who stands in the corner, the one who knows everyone on superficial level but no one really tries to understand and appriciate.
It's so sad that people look at appearances, that people have steriotypes, that people have very strict messures of what beauty actually is.
It's so sad that when you want to fit in, people and circumstances wont let you.
It's so sad that in order to feel appriciated you can not expect more then being just this random person who is a platonic friend but everyone talks to but not really TALKS to.
It's so sad to know that this happen to different people every day, even when they should be in a group of people that they can trust, respect and value their thoughts.
Sometimes that's just on the surface, when you dig deeper you realize that these nice words, these nice moments weren't really real! you just asumed they were because you believe your actions towards them are real.
this is so sad to know.
ON the other hand...
it's so nice to know that there are people that appriciate what you do, what you have to add to the conversations and they listen with attention and really mean it.
It's nice to know that people you work with, people you have high expectations of really come through in the end.
It's nice to know that even though you feel bad because of things mentioned above, peope will make you smile.
Maybe it's not the people you wanted to make you smile. But those who do make you smile, make you forget that you feel sad, you really need to show them appriciation.
Otherwise you are the reason why they are sad as well.
Just some random thoughts coming to my mind in Slovakia.
my mind functions in various ways... this is just one of them.
Saturday, August 30, 2008
end of the conference
This is the last day of the conference.
I'm tired and I have to admit I'm ready to leave. Somehow I just want to get back to Europe.
Tonight I'm going to Rio de Janeiro with bunch of people. I'm looking forward to that. I really want to see the statue of Christ there and then be on the beach and just relax and not do anything.
My flight back to Europe is on 8th September, I'll be flying to Portugal and then to London. So my arrival time in London is on 9th September. What a long trip.
But that's life of an AIESECer I guess.
this conference has given my a different insight into the organization, so I guess that the saying is true " you live, you learn".
Some has been great, some has been frustrating and some has been just painful.
But overall feelings of this conference is great. I enjoy my work and I enjoy the company of my team.
We are really a cool one !!
-with love-
I'm tired and I have to admit I'm ready to leave. Somehow I just want to get back to Europe.
Tonight I'm going to Rio de Janeiro with bunch of people. I'm looking forward to that. I really want to see the statue of Christ there and then be on the beach and just relax and not do anything.
My flight back to Europe is on 8th September, I'll be flying to Portugal and then to London. So my arrival time in London is on 9th September. What a long trip.
But that's life of an AIESECer I guess.
this conference has given my a different insight into the organization, so I guess that the saying is true " you live, you learn".
Some has been great, some has been frustrating and some has been just painful.
But overall feelings of this conference is great. I enjoy my work and I enjoy the company of my team.
We are really a cool one !!
-with love-
Friday, August 15, 2008
Last day in Iceland - Again ;)
Today is the day.
It's not like the first time was easy, saying goodbye to my family. Today I have to do it again.
my frustrations are still there but they are diminishing by the day. I'm finally getting some answers and I feel good about finally seeing some clarity in my role and the next days.
So whats next for me you might ask?
Well today I'm packing and flying off to London. In london I will spend around one day and meeting a good friend of mine, Kristín. She was in AIESEC with me, in the career days team and now living in London.
After staying with her my plans are to take another flight. This time to Zurich where I will spend one hour waiting for my next flight that will take me to Sao Paolo in Brazil.
This all came very sudden. Last wednesday night I found out I was going, yesterday I bought all the things I need for my trip, and today I'm finalizing some work and packing as well as taking of to another country.
So now my stay in Iceland is over. Its been both extremly fun and unbelievely sad all at the same time for me.
Coming home for the reasons I did is not something that I want to try again. I miss my grandfather a lot and I also have gotten more and more closer to my family. For that I'm extremely grateful.
So I'm taking off but with a smile on my face. Even though my mom and my grandmother are nervous for me flying all this way by myself.
It's not like the first time was easy, saying goodbye to my family. Today I have to do it again.
my frustrations are still there but they are diminishing by the day. I'm finally getting some answers and I feel good about finally seeing some clarity in my role and the next days.
So whats next for me you might ask?
Well today I'm packing and flying off to London. In london I will spend around one day and meeting a good friend of mine, Kristín. She was in AIESEC with me, in the career days team and now living in London.
After staying with her my plans are to take another flight. This time to Zurich where I will spend one hour waiting for my next flight that will take me to Sao Paolo in Brazil.
Brazil BABY!!
How unbelivebly exciting is that?
How unbelivebly exciting is that?
This all came very sudden. Last wednesday night I found out I was going, yesterday I bought all the things I need for my trip, and today I'm finalizing some work and packing as well as taking of to another country.
So now my stay in Iceland is over. Its been both extremly fun and unbelievely sad all at the same time for me.
Coming home for the reasons I did is not something that I want to try again. I miss my grandfather a lot and I also have gotten more and more closer to my family. For that I'm extremely grateful.
So I'm taking off but with a smile on my face. Even though my mom and my grandmother are nervous for me flying all this way by myself.
I will be great.
- with love and a smile -
Thursday, July 31, 2008
The winner takes it all - and I'm a winner
Today is the last day in July, the weather is great and I'm sitting at my parents place listening to the Dark Knight theme from the new Batman movie.
Since last time I wrote, things have been up and down, mostly way down and lower then low. Life sometimes takes you there and you need support to get up again.
In times like these you not only find out who your friends are but you find out that your friends are chosen wisely without you knowing it really. real friends are there for a reason; to support you, have fun with, challenge your thoughts, grief with you, laught with you, smile and shake head when you say something silly or smart, be there when you need them, send you flowers in times when you need to know people care and in more ways that is possible for me to share here.
I know now that I chose my friends as wisely as I could. I'm proud of them, I'm thankful for them and they mean the world to me. My family and my friends - my life. :)
I'm getting better and better. now the music changed from the dark and heavy theme from Batman to ABBA music - the Dancing Queen.
People leave your life but it's up to you to make their memories alive. Now it's up to me to make the memories of my grandfather alive, make him proud of me and his family and support my family in hard times. That's my role today. I love that role but I still miss my grandfather. Of course.
I'm rich today, rich with family, friends, love, respect, experiences and faith. And I'm only going to get richer if I take care now.
Thank you to all those friends and family that have shown me this last days that I'm rich, thanks for your support and your thoughts.
It means everything to me.
Enough of this sentemental things...
- with love -
Since last time I wrote, things have been up and down, mostly way down and lower then low. Life sometimes takes you there and you need support to get up again.
In times like these you not only find out who your friends are but you find out that your friends are chosen wisely without you knowing it really. real friends are there for a reason; to support you, have fun with, challenge your thoughts, grief with you, laught with you, smile and shake head when you say something silly or smart, be there when you need them, send you flowers in times when you need to know people care and in more ways that is possible for me to share here.
I know now that I chose my friends as wisely as I could. I'm proud of them, I'm thankful for them and they mean the world to me. My family and my friends - my life. :)
I'm getting better and better. now the music changed from the dark and heavy theme from Batman to ABBA music - the Dancing Queen.
People leave your life but it's up to you to make their memories alive. Now it's up to me to make the memories of my grandfather alive, make him proud of me and his family and support my family in hard times. That's my role today. I love that role but I still miss my grandfather. Of course.
I'm rich today, rich with family, friends, love, respect, experiences and faith. And I'm only going to get richer if I take care now.
Thank you to all those friends and family that have shown me this last days that I'm rich, thanks for your support and your thoughts.
It means everything to me.
Enough of this sentemental things...
- with love -
Saturday, July 26, 2008
No words of my own
Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal. ~From a headstone in Ireland
Earth has no sorrow that Heaven cannot heal. ~Author Unknown
I love walking in the rain, 'cause then no-one knows I'm crying. Author Unknown
Thanks for your support!
Earth has no sorrow that Heaven cannot heal. ~Author Unknown
Tears are words the heart can't express. Author Unknown
I love walking in the rain, 'cause then no-one knows I'm crying. Author Unknown
The pain passes, but the beauty remains. Pierre Auguste Renoir
People never know how special someone is until they leave, but maybe sometimes its important to leave, so they are given that chance to see how special that someone really is! Author Unknown
Without you, there'd be no sun in my sky, there would be no love in my life, there'd be no world left of me. - Leann Rimes
I pull you from your tower, take away your pain, show you all the beauty you posess if you'd only let yourself believe. - Sarah Mclachlan
Thanks for your support!
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