Having a crush is tough!

I am sitting in the living room looking out the window, listening to music and thinking.
What comes to mind is not the parties I have been invited to tonight nor Facebook although it's open as well.
What I'm thinking about is me, my behavior when I like someone and if I actually like the person or if it's just being smitten.

When I like someone I always feel so insecure, I'm too aware of myself and I'm afraid of overdoing things.
it's ironic, the song currently playing is called "everybody's got the right to love" by The supremes.
The reason I find this ironic is because I personally am not so sure this sentence belongs to me. I sometimes do wonder.

Ok, this is a little dramatic, I know. it's just one of these nights where drama is crawling all over my thoughts and I have to get it out one way or another.
So what is the reason behind my drama and 'deep' thoughts tonight?

Well, honestly, the reason is that I'm afraid I might be falling for someone. :s
I do not like situations where I feel so uncomfortable and I have no control to influence the situation I'm in.
I dont like falling.

This is such a paradox when I think about it.
I dont like falling for someone, the feeling of being insecure, trying to show my worth. It makes me uncomfortable. Feeling like I'm constantly competing when I'm not.
But I do like the feeling when I'm over these fears and obstacles and I can think positively about this guy. When I can just enjoy the smart things he does and says.

These next days will be interesting.
Will I continue feeling uncomfortable and therefore fight against my potential crush OR will I look the other way and start feeling positive about the situation?

I think people should look at it as a blessing to find someone they connect on this level, where a crush and more are potential.
So why cant I look at it like that as well?
I will try!



- with love and potential crush -

Fear of being small

I met up with an old friend yesterday after few years.
I have to admit I was a little nervous, not because we wouldn't have stuff to talk about but more on if we had become SO different that what we had to say wouldn't be interesting to the other one.

Of course this feeling was based on fear, a fear that went a way soon.
It was great catching up and I realized we had much to talk about. Cultural understanding and awareness is a big interest for both of us.

In my opinion we had extremely deep and interesting conversation and I really enjoyed the topics.

On my way home I started to think.
- why are we always doubting ourselves?
My fear was built on doubt that a person wouldn't find my conversation interesting.
I'm glad that I this doubt didn't stop me from meeting my friend.

But I'm sure that a lot of people let these doubts and fears stop them in actually living, building relationships and discover themselves.
People doubt their intelligence in conversations, in idea sharing and would rather stay silent then face people saying " I dont agree" or "I dont feel the same way".

I was like that, I had hard time speaking up, sharing my thoughts and enter conversations.
Not any more, thankfully :)
Now I enjoy conversations where the words "I dont agree" are used.
I'm beating back my fear as I feel that dialogues, conversations and listening to other people's opinion brings me closer to my own opinion and idea. So I value that.

Feeling nervous yesterday was strange but I think it's normal. Just as long as I realize that I have something to bring to people and the fear doesn't stop me in meeting people and have fun!

- with love -

I dream of sleep

These passed few nights I have been having problems sleeping. I'm waking up too early and i'm completely dead in the evenings.
Why this is happening I have no idea.
I dont feel stressed, I dont feel super excited.
But I dream all night.
I think my dreams are keeping my from falling into a deep sleep.

The dreams are vivid and real, I feel like a part of them.
Usually they are good.
There is passion in them, excitement fear and joy.
Maybe these dreams are draining my energy? :s

Even though I'm not stressed there are many things going through my mind, many things that I'm learning and many things I wish to learn as well.
So when my body is ready to rest, my mind is still going strong. Maybe that's the reason I'm having hard time falling a sleep.
- but why I keep on waking up so early when I'm still dead tired I have no idea of.
- What is the reason my body and soul are refusing to get rest when it deserves it?

Despite these complains I'm making I'm actually doing quite good.
I constantly try to challenge myself, my views and ideas and I feel that I'm building new friendships.
I am keeping myself busy, with learning new things, reading and meeting my friends :)
- Maybe that's the reason I'm having hard time to fall asleep and I keep on waking up early?
Because I'm constantly reflecting, rethinking and challenging myself and my environment that it's effecting my consciousness in some way?
- Could that be it?

Well, I hope for a good night sleep these next days, enough energy to take on my tasks and stay positive towards this new but challenging life I'm leading!

- with love -

understanding who I am this summer!

The new project I'm working so hard on this summer is a 10 weeks course in "create your company" for people trying to build a stable future for themselves.
The course is for free for participants and we, the organizers, are donating our time and energy. We wanted to give back to the society.

This is the reason why I'm pursuing my interest on entrepreneurship and reading a lot on the topic.
I'm learning how much I have "missed out" being in AIESEC and not building my network within the Icelandic business life.

Although I dont regret ANYTHING, I still see I could have networked more ;)

Talking to the group I would with is extremely useful and I find it motivating. I joined the course to learn to follow through my ideas on business and I'm getting extremely excited.
I offered my time and support and here I am, one of the organizer of this course.

I find it so satisfying doing this kind a work, seeing that society is benefiting as well as working with group of people that challenge my thoughts. Thats rewarding.
Challenging my views is something I find important.
I have realized that I learn the most about my beliefs and values, what I think and where I plan to go, if I share with people and ask for constructive feedback.
Learning what others do, think and viewpoints is so valuable.

I have high hopes for my personal development this summer!
So I say - Bring it on! :)

- with love -

Passionate all over again!

Still no job in sight, my money are running low but my moral hasn't been so high in a long time.
I'm enjoying life, going sea swimming, working with passion for my newest project and making sure AIESEC in Iceland is draining my knowledge ;). Love it!

Few days ago a friend of mine told me that my blog has been all about whining and it's true. Although hearing it was strange I dont regret posting any of the thoughts. But it made me conscious of posting now about the positive things happening in my life.
It also made me think that now I'm so much happier then I was one month ago.

I feel reconnected with the former, happy me and I feel more passionate about others as well as issues in my environment. I'm actually caring.
And with care comes smile and satisfaction. At least with me.

I dont have much more to say so I'm not going to drag this text out too long.
I'm just happy to be my "old self again" and doing something worth doing, something that I'm passionate about!

- with love -

on becoming an entrepreneur?

Even though I am unemployed and no prospects of a summer job in sight I will manage to keep myself busy.
Honestly, I think I would be depressed already if I would just stay at home all day.

As I keep busy, my mind is at work. But somehow my thoughts haven't been clear enough to put on paper/blog.
I have been missing the feeling of expressing myself and really reflecting on my thoughts.

I'm tying new things, I'm meeting new people and I'm learning something new everyday. I keep stepping outside my comfort zone a little and saying YES!
New people I meet, old friends/family I see again, it doesn't matter. I am taking something out of the encounters and talks. I feel it.

Currently I'm getting myself into the entrepreneurial area in Iceland and even though this is an huge interest area of mine I realize I dont know anything about it.
And I'm constantly impressed by people who are already in this area, environment, getting ideas and actually making them happen.
"it doesn't matter what you know or can do, it matter what you do".
it's a saying I heard yesterday when I was attending a seminar on entrepreneurship in Iceland and I do believe it's true.

And I know and can do a lot of things, but in the end.. do I make it happen?
Do I let my actions tell my story?
I plan to from now on!
Because I admire those people.

-with love-

Knowing your friends

Awareness of others? What does that mean?
- that you know a lot of people?
- that you know your friends?
- that you can read your friends emotions?

If you look at my facebook profile you would see that according to facebook I have a lot of friends. One could say I'm popular ;)
The thing is though, not all of those people are people I know well. I would say I have a lot of acquaintances. Facebook is an amazing tool for me to stay connected to these people I meet at conferences.
Anyway, that was a little site tour from what I started out to write.

Awareness of others for me is that you try to get to know the person on a deeper personal level, you learn how to read their feelings and emotions, and they dont feel uncomfortable sharing with you.
In a way, to master the awareness you need, in my opinion, the empathy competency.

My personal competencies are not rich with empathy. Honestly I find it quite hard to read people's emotions from talking to them.
I was never aware of this level of communication, empathy, until AIESEC began with their competency model.
After getting to know this though, I realized that some people actually have this skill of being empathy.

As I try to get to know my family and friends more on a deeper, more personal level, I see that this skill, empathy, is something I need to work on.

Finding out who my family members are, how they feel and what they have to say is extremely interesting quest for me. I learn about myself, my communication skills as well as knowing more about this family I belong to.
For a person with family as their main value, how can this discovery not be a pleasure!

I once heard a man, Stuart Knight, on YouTube where he has left messages to people. This message I am referring to is a message about the Art of conversation, where he is talking about the questions we ask in order to define the level of intimacy you will have with that person.
Usually, those questions we choose are very shallow like;
- What do you do?
- what do you think of the weather? and so on

Why not, when you are in a conversation with someone, preferable a friend, take the level of intimacy higher and ask questions you really want to know the answer to about your friends, like;
- What are your values as an individual and what does that mean?
- what does love mean to you? and more along these lines.

I think, if you really want to be aware of others, you have to put some effort in it. Listen, ask the 'right' questions and try to understand how people feel.
- but please, also be careful of not pushing topics of your interests on to people when you feel they are not ready to discuss them.
Finding the balance in this is another skill one has to adapt and develop in order to be aware.

Yeah, a lot of thoughts going on in my mind when first days of May are showing it's bright colors.
I wanna leave you with the message from Stuart Knight. Enjoy and think about others.

-with love and awareness-