2014 - a year of relationship, respect and kindness!

There are only few hours until the New Year, 2014, begins with fireworks and celebrations and I have been surfing my facebook site and reading some 2013 summaries from friends and family. It is an interesting read. We have all had times of joy and smiles with family and friends. We have learnt something new, met new people (both good and not so good). We have lost someone, had our hearts broken and cried on someone’s shoulder. 

Why am I mentioning all this? I am mentioning this because we have all gone through the same things, although each person experiences it in a different way and each situation is different from the next. We all have sadness in our lives, we all have joy. We have family and friends we care for and we wish them all the best. 

But sometimes it feels like we think that no one understands what we are going through, that no one has it as bad as you have it. And then you take your hurt or frustrations out on others, who might have had just as bad day as you have.

So my New Year’s resolution is to try to be kind to others and treat them in the same manner as I would like to be treated, with respect and kindness. My wish is that we all start doing this because we all need help someday and that requires relationships which will not be built with frustrations and greed. The important relationships are built with trust, respect and openness.

Another new years resolution I have for myself is to be more courageous. I know what I want and I just need to go for it. Nothing will be handed to me on a silver platter. But sometimes I just feel a bit scared to show others what I can do, because what if they don’t think I am good enough? Then I have failed! But I want to take a different approach, I want to look at is as a success.  At least I might get some feedback and support which I would not get if I do not try.

So as I write this I send my wishes into the universe and I hope it reaches every one of you. And I wish you a great 2014 with great adventures and smiles and where relationships, kindness and respect will play a key role. I know that will play a big role in my life.  

Let the new year begin!

.. and the fighting continues!

I wonder sometimes, why things in life that mean something to you, usually do not come without a fight.
Not only for me, but for others as well. It is like everyone has to go through some pains and challenges before they can be or have what they want.

Today I got a rejection e-mail for a position I really wanted. I have been waiting for that position for over 2 years and this time I was so close, I could almost feel it. But then it got snatched away.
I fought for this position. I poured my heart and soul into the preparation and I had support from others in doing so. I really wanted this position.
And when I just got the rejection letter my heart broke.
It was literally like my hard work, my ideas, my passion was worthless.
And that hurts.
For 2 years I have been fighting for this.
and yet another rejection.

So I wonder.
Am I fighting for the wrong thing?
If things really are so hard to have, are they really what is best for us?
Should we just try to get something that comes easily, without all these heartaches, without all the hard work and sweat and tears?
Sometimes I think so. Then I can move on with my life, and not feel like a failure with no achievements or success.
And we all need to feel we are achieving something, feel we are worth something. Otherwise life becomes dark. And when it is dark, it is hard to get out to the light again.

But the more I think of this, the more I feel like I would just be cheating myself. This fight has been part of me for the past 2 years because I know this position is what I want, its what I will be great at and I have enjoyed the process of the preparation.
And although I have not achieved what I wanted, I still do not feel like a failure (in general). And I think that is the main point.

So my learning from this heartbreak today is that if I, after having thought this through, would not feel like this is something that I feel like I should pursue, then I should give up. Because it wouldnt really be giving up. It would be learning more about myself and not focus on something I feel like would not give me pleasure and satisfaction. But because, the more I think of this, the more I want it, then I cannot stop now. THAT would be giving up!
So giving up is not always just letting things go.
Giving up is when you just stop reaching for your dreams, stop fighting even though that is what you want.
But realizing that this fight does not give you want you really need, then that is not giving up. That is being true to yourself and realize that things change over time and you change over time. So make sure you are fighting for what you want and need, your current dreams and not dreams you had 4 years ago (unless it still is the same dream).

I hope this makes sense to someone and will be a learning point.
It sure was for me
-with love-

a shine of light makes me smile!

It has been around half a year since I wrote last. I dont want to force myself to write, especially since it means I dont have things to share with the outside world. But the other day, walking in the evening cold something moved me and I wanted to share again. So I have been reading over some of my older posts here and what strikes me as odd it that I mostly have the need to share when something negative is happening, when I am not feeling happy and things are out of place. And of course that is good, because learning from these moments are incredibly important. But the need to share this time does not come from feeling sad or bad. I am actually more happy than I have been in a long time. And maybe this is development for me too. Now I see the need to share the positive as well as the negative learning.
We'll find out!

So, the other day I was walking. It wasnt that late in the evening but the days here are so short that it was already dark outside. As I am almost arriving at the destination I walk by a church. Now, I am not very religious person but I enjoy discussing and learning about different religions and their philosophies. I would consider me more as a spiritual person, I believe in something out there, angels and good forces and the positive feeling it gives.
But walking towards the church the cross on top of its tower is lit up and from it beams of glow reached into the sky. It was a calming and beautiful sight.
It kind of felt like something was trying it hardest to light up the night sky for me.

I wanted to share this moment because for me it means appreciating the small things in life, things you just accidentally come across during your daily routines. These small things can have great meaning if we just give them a try.
For me, this light represented optimism. It made me smile and realize that just a small effort (like the light) can have a big impact (reaching with the glow far away). and my small effort can also reach far.

- When I am upset or feeling ignored.. do not just sulk and make even more strain on a relationship. smile and the feeling will change as the other person will not ignore you any longer.
- be forgiving. Holding grudges only affects your feeling, not the person you are angry at.
- say thank you.
- give hugs (I have also read that certain amount of hugs, not sure how many, are good for your health).

I hope this feeling of positive impact and joy will stay with me for a long time, especially now that Christmas is coming and family time is at hand.

I wish you all a great weekend full of appreciation.
- with love - 

An Extraordinary experience is waiting - are you ready to take it?

It has been a while since I shared something here. But I havent had the need for sharing, there hasnt been thought stuck in my head or questions I need to answer or ask.
But I got this need now. So I am back with one more post.

I had the great experience to travel half around the world to attend a conference about the topic I want to work with in my career life. I spent all my savings, made plans and handed in an article which was published. When I came there I met great people, motivated and intelligent people working in the field I want to work in, either in business, NGO's or as academics. It was inspiring and challenging.
I loved it.

It was my first time attending one of these types of conferences, and I was so nervous when it was my turn to  speak, share my article and my thoughts around it and my view point about the topic. I havent been this stressed in a LONG time.
But what a rewarding experience. People enjoyed my thoughts and agreed in many cases. I got great feedback on my performance and I won the best paper for the research track. WHAT A START!
I came home, having met old friends, having gained new ones, and have some more and deeper experience in the field I am trying to build my career in. I cannot ask for anything more.

So why am I sharing this with you now?

Because I believe we do not dare enough. I think we are too comfortable in our bubble so we do not search for or allow great opportunities to pop up. With taking chances comes great results and I think many of us are missing out on these results, these experiences to make us better because we have it so nice in our daily lives.
So I wanted to share this, hoping that it might ignite some interest to go out and search for your opportunities, be in attending conferences, meeting valuable people, write articles, create a video, whatever it is that gets to to a better place in your life ... GO FOR IT!
What have you got to lose?
NOTHING!!
Money comes back (in most cases)
pride can be hurt but you'll get over it

I hope more of us start to be brave. As the Metal Singer Blaze Bayley sang so great - FORTUNE FAVORS THE BRAVE!
Lets reach our extraordinary experiences!

- with love- 

Lets get it started - your idea will not go away!

I wanted to take this opportunity and share an experience I have been having for the past week now.

I have been carrying in my head an idea of a project that I thought would be interesting to work on but i always made some excuses for why I would not start it now; Oh it cost so much, I dont have the money now. I dont know how to create a website, I dont have the time etc. But the idea never left my head so I was sure I needed to do something about it.
So few weeks ago I had a skype chat with a friend of mine who is an entrepreneur and has tried many things with good and bad results. Now his business is thriving and growing, so he was a logical choice of a person who could give me some hints.

So I told him what it was that I wanted to do, how I had seen this happening, and I also told him all my excuses for not doing it.
He paused for a minute and then said: You are just making this so much more complicated than it has to be. There are ways to start this project without cost, without having to gain technical knowledge.. but it will always take time. So if you are willing to be committed to the project with your time, I can help you start it up just as soon as next week.

So I took his advice. I planned ahead, I gave it my time and last week my project was launched. I am extremely happy and it has given me enormous amount of motivation.
So I wanted to share this with you, if there is anyone who reads this.

If you have some ideas of what you want to do, projects, business, or personal, but you have always made excuses for it but it just doesnt seem to go away.. I would recommend to find a person to share your idea with and get a second opinion.
Because when you start something that is yours and you give your energy and time in it and you see the results, it is one of the best feelings in the world. And it motivates you in doing more and doing better. So it gives you extra energy that we all can use from time to time.
So no more excuses,
it is time to make stuff happen.
If not now, then when?
and you know you will be upset later on in life if you never gave your ideas a chance.
and who wants to live with regrets? No one!
So go for it, and reap the rewards.

- with love-

By the power of forgiveness!!

I am learning more and more to forgive people and it feels so great to be such a strong individual, being able to discuss and forgive issues that hurt for a little while but were not done to you out of anger or to hurt you. Most of the time, these hurtful activities or words, are said or done because that is how the other individual communicates, or believes that will give him/her the best results. And it hurts me because I do not agree with this.
But just the fact that I am able to be aware of these differences, be aware that this person did not intend to hurt me, only to convey their feelings. This awareness helps in strengthening a relationship that is built on two different backgrounds, two different cultures, two different ways of thinking and communicating.
And who am I to say that my way is the right way, just because the other way is offensive or hurtful?

Being able to discuss these things, realize where the hurt comes from and how to minimize it, is in my opinion, a key skill in sustaining a relationship.
Everyone keeps saying "being in a relationship is hard". and Yes it is. I just didnt realize how hard it is, and how hard both parties have to work. And I have to be open to the fact that even though I believe I am doing all the work in the relationship, the other person is most likely sitting at home, thinking the exact same thing.

So I am realizing more and more, that forgiveness is a key variable in the communication matrix that should be included in a relationship.
Unfortunately, for most people, this is left out. Because most of us find it hard to be a "bigger" individual and forgive when someone has hurt us. Why should we? the other person was the one doing all the hurting.
But isnt it just as likely that the other partner in this relationship is thinking the same thing when he feels like you have done something to hurt him/her? and I am sure you didnt do it on purpose, so wouldnt you want the benefit of the doubt and explain what you meant and why you did what you did? Most likely yes.
if not, I believe we are not as into the other person and willing to work on the relationship.
Because relationships are hard, and even harder than we could have imagined.

Some things should not be forgiven, and that is when the other person is willingly hurting your, is violent towards you or abusive. These things, I feel, should not be forgiven so dont feel bad that you want to leave a relationship because of these things. You have to make sure you take care of yourself first.
But if the other person is just communicating in a different manner, is behaving in a way that is unfamiliar to you, give that person the benefit of the doubt.

so do some experimenting. When you feel hurt, forgive. and I hope you will feel better about yourself, the other person and the relationship you are having.

-with love-

When expectations are unclear.. things break down!

Few weeks ago I had written a post here which I was extremely happy with. It had a clear message I am starting to realize and I wanted to share it with those, if any, read my thoughts at this blog.
But by being a little technically challenged, the post didnt save and was therefore deleted.. to my disappointment and frustration, and I left it like that.

However, this topic is coming more up in conversations with other and I'm finding it more and more relevant issue to keep in mind. And therefore I'm going to give it ago again.. hoping this time it will be successful and be as good as I want it to be.

The topic I want to give my thoughts about, it the topic of expectations towards others, be it within a romantic relationship, with family members, friends or co-workers, just to name few relationships this affects.
It has become more clear to me that I have certain expectations towards those I keep in my life, and when those expectations aren't met, I become frustrated or even angry. I have been let down.
The other day I was thinking this from another point of view.. "how can this person behave like this, when she hasn't made her expectations toward our relationship clear? what gives her the right?" and I become frustrated by this persons behavior.
One of the things I try to do is to reflect on issues that make me, e.g. frustrated. So I set down and started thinking about my behavior and why she might have felt the need to behave so irrationally. And I realized that  she has set some unspoken expectations towards our relationship, just like I had done towards her. But neither one has mentioned what we expect from each other, how we interact with each other and how to go forward in this relationship. And that made me think even further. I do this in most all relationships. I enter a relationship without clearing it with the other person what I am expecting, what I am "investing" into this relationship.
But when expectations are unspoken they are impossible to be met. So frustration is highly likely to take place at one point or another in the relationship. But we do not understand why this frustration takes place.. because we do not realize that the other person is not able to fulfill expectation s/he are unaware of.

And it lead me to think about another thing.. in a relationship people come with more than expectations. We come with different backgrounds, different levels of intimacy and behavior. But I, automatically when starting a relationship, expect the level of every aspect involved to be at my standards, to be based on my expectations. And that is just not fair when two people come and create a relationship. I had never thought about this before, and for me it was so normal that things would be done after my preferences. Thats just how it goes.. but that is not it!
The other person has just as much right as you to have things based on their preferences. But we never think about these things (now I'm generalizing A LOT)  when we start a new relationship of any kind.

These reflections were an eyeopener, and to be honest, they made me adjust my thinking in some of my relationships (yes, I'm still working on this) and I swear.. those relationships have improved and I can notice both parties being so much more happier and at ease, because now both are giving and receiving.

I just wanted to share this.. as I believe way too many of us do not think about these things and when we get frustrated we believe the other person has let us down (when they dont know how not to do so, because we havent told them) and it can ruin the best of relationship in the long run. In stead, we are able to realize that everyone has expectations, discuss them and find a common ground. Then, I believe, many more friendships, business relationship and romantic relationships will last longer and become stronger (wow this rhymes).
That is what I wish for us all :) because our lives are built up from different relationships. We cannot be without them.

All the best and with love

You are angry, I ignore you!

I am realizing more and more that people have a hard time talking to each other. It is easier to just get angry, get sad, get annoyed and ignore the issue.. leaving a hole between people. Sometimes the others do not understand why that is.. and become annoyed themselves. vicious circle that no one seems interested in breaking.

I wish that I would become better in talking, sharing my feelings and not allow others negative emotions affect me so hard. Because in most cases I didnt do something wrong, it is just they being annoyed and me not knowing why.
But still, I am left without a feeling of "why" and all I feel is "what did I do wrong?"
That feeling is one of the worst ones I believe we can have in a relationship with others. Because it leaves us insecure, and when we are insecure we feel bad, and when we feel bad our relationships are affected (not only with those we are having a disagreement/annoyance with, but all relationships and communications with people).

I do not know how to "fix" this, if it is at all possible. But all I can do is just tell what I am thinking and feeling, even if others do not want to hear it, and when others ignore me, are angry at me and I dont know why - I will let them be.
I will try hard to not waste energy on these people. Because I dont have enough energy to spend on people who just want to suck it away and not give anything back.

Just wanted to share my thoughts on this cold saturday morning..
-with love-

your most important everything!

We all need someone to hold us when we are sad, to cheer us when we are lonely, to stand by us when we are having a fight. We rely on your family, your friends, your partner, to be there when you most need them.
But what do you do when it is one of these people you are fighting with?
What happens to you when one foundation to your support network is breaking?
What is the right (if there is any) thing to do, to say, to think, not to do?

I have had fights with my family, me and my dad sometimes get along like oil and water.. but we always leave those fights in a term where we can still end in a positive note.
I have fought with my boyfriend but the love is stronger than the anger so we want to sit down and discuss and build stronger relationship.
I have fought with friends, about issues that for me were important but for them were non-existing. But again.. the feeling of support, love and respect is overpowering so the fight only makes my relationships stronger.
We all have different opinions, we sometimes say things without thinking it through. We have our bad days and we have our good days. We have situations in our life where we are helpless and we might take it out on those we believe are not standing besides us (even if they in reality are and we are just to blind to see it).
But it is what we do after those fights, after those words of anger and hurt have been said, that determines where we go from there. Are we going to make sure our support network becomes stronger after such a low  and hurtful time in our lives, or are we going to stay "proud" and make sure no one ever messes with you again?
And if you choose the second one? what are you gaining? Yeah you might be right, you are gaining your self respect as you stood your ground, and didnt take no crap from no one. But is that worth leaving a gap in a network that has followed you through thick and thin in your past, that have been there when you needed help, or you have cried and laughed with in their time of need?
Sometimes I think we have to be clear what is the most important thing in our world, and sometimes we dont see it so easily.
But hey, the most important thing in the world for you might be completely different than what I consider the most important. But all I ask is that you do not allow your ego to take over and ruin the good thing you have already spent years and years building!
Just a small wondering thought on a Friday night.

-with love-