Emotional baggage - where to leave it behind?

It's interesting how emotions work/dont work.
I have absolutely no idea, sometimes, why I feel the way I feel or why I'm not feeling something I think I should be feeling.

Last night, as I was practicing playing the guitar I decided to try to play one song. This is a beautiful song but I realized I hadnt heard it for almost 8 years but I sometimes think about it.
The reason I think about it is because I relate the song with a very sad and hard decision I had to make 8 years ago.
so of course I have gone out of my way to not hear it.

But somehow yesterday I though I would give it a go, especially since I would just be badly playing it and singing it myself.

After the first 5 worlds I just burst into tears.
I felt all these emotions, sadness, lonlienss, regret, wonder and lack of hope, just fill my consciousness.
And I couldnt stop crying.

I have often thought about the decision I took and I dont regret it.
I have come to terms with it, I even made sure I will always remember the choice I made and why it was the right decision.
I have talked to family about it.
I have cried, I have smiled, I have been hurt and I have been satisfied.
so I thought I had worked through my issues.

Yesterday, after only 5 words from one song.. I am not so sure I have worked through them all.
why would I cry if there is not something that is bothering me?
why cant I listen to a song that reminds me of hard times, when I believe I have made peace with my decision?
why are emotions so hard to control or even to understand?

Maybe my issues run deeper than I expected.
or maybe its not the decision I'm still having problems with, but the fear of no future possibilities.
maybe it's the fact that I'm losing hope, more than strengthen it.
maybe the decision I took many years ago, scared me in more areas than I knew.
Whatever it is, there is still some emotions lurking around, making me realize I need to do something more than I have been doing so far.

I just dont know what!
-with love-

Recent thoughts being challenged to gain the most from life!

I had a very interesting converstation today that made me rethink my thoughts I posted here yesterday about taking chances and not being afraid of losing out.
my cousin wanted to know if I would risk altering a great memory by reaching out to something that might not even be there in the first place.
and it's a valid question.

when you meet people, they leave impressions on you and then you go your seperate ways, you are left behind with the memories of laughter, jokes, kisses and fun.
if you reach out to that person, maybe not sure what will come out of it, those memories might lose its charm, they might change.
and why would they change?
Well, my thought is that, if that person does not answer, then your thoughts are colored with sadness.
if that person does answer but with negative feedback, your thoughts are colored with anger.
if that person does answer and with possitive feedback, your thoughts might drift away from the already created memories to hoping for future memories (again something that might not even happen)

So it is a fair question to ask someone who, like me, doesnt want to lose people from my life.
but is it always worth it, to reach out?
now, that's a topic I would love to discuss with someone out there.
because I'm honestly not sure.
Of course, memories are great, they create the life I lead and impact the path I take.
but if there is a change for something more, bigger impact, more stable impact.. wouldnt I want to take that chance?
I sit and I wonder, does it always pay of to take chances - is there something to lose but I just didnt realize it?

I guess this topic will need some more reflection on by part.
I want to make sure I get the best out of life - be that great memories, new people as friends and changing paths along the way.
I just need to think this through!

-with love-

nothing to lose, everything to gain!

I have been reading over my previous posts here and honestly they are very sad and heavy. maybe because I find it so hard to talk about it when I'm hurting, when something is bothering me or when I feel I'm not doing great.

The reason I wanted to start with this is because the other day I was talking to a friend of mine, and he says a thing that really made me think.
"I should introduce you to another friend of mine. She could learn a lot from you about enjoying life and being open minded"
so even if I'm hurting or having things on my mind, I make an effort in not taking it down on my friends. I want to make sure we have good times together as that might also help me in my thought process.

I have also decided to try (key word here try) to change my attitude and take more changes. I want to think I have nothing to lose, but everything to gain.
therefore I will not follow stupid rules in human relationships, rules that I feel just hinder growth and potential new friendships.
why should I lose out, just because I am too afraid to take a chance?
and if others dont agree then at least I tried.
more I cant do.
And I think that is what having an open mind also includes.
Not be closed of to experiences, people or processes - to challenge what others do and how things are expected to be done!

I hope to live up to this image my friend has of me.
I hope to continue take chances, because I'm the one who gains, others are the one that loses out on my relationships.
I hope to keep on writing my thoughts here to be able to keep on a smile and enjoy my time with friends and family.
I hope this will lead me to something great.
I'm sure it will.

-with love-

By the power of gray skull - give me courage!

What makes people have courage?
both courage to jump out of planes, to start their own business and to show that special someone they're interested.. I find that admirable.

I have always believed that I'm a brave person. I dare to dream, I dare to start new adventures but when it comes to one area.. relationships with people, I can be so timid. I lose my strength and i question myself.

But recent events have shown me that I dont have to be afraid of what I have to offer.
Not everyone will like it. Fair enough. not everyone are for me either. So I shouldnt let that take me down.
So I have decided I'm not gonna be too afraid any longer. It's not going to happen over night but I can all ready feel a bit of a difference in they way I present myself to others.

Another thing I want to do is to have the courage to not play any games.
if I like someone, I'll tell him that.
If he doesnt appreciate that I will have the courage to walk away but feeling good about the fact that at least I tried.
I cant do any more than that.
So this new approach to future relationships hopefully will prove to be good.
but if not, at least I learn from the experience.

-with love-

The love of sharing makes you stronger!

This month has been a month of reunions, month of smiles and laughter, month of exploring and month of challenges.
it's interesting that some months are just more positive than others, some are more brighter in colour and some just feel gray and sad.
May was a colorful month for me.
and what made it so bright and sparkling?
the people around me.

I am a quiet person but I have my moments when I'm outgoing and thrive well with others.
But that is also depending on the people around me.
May was full of friends coming for a visit but not only that.
it was not only visiting me at this new place but also to reconnect and share life.
I had forgotten how good that feels.

I believe that we, as people, believe we are outgoing, love to have people around us but we dont really share our life, love, sorrows and thoughts with the people close to us.
We allow them in to certain extent, but full on invitation is not given.
this is true to most people.
But usually we have few individuals we allow completely into our space, our thoughts, our presence.
and those people I love to reconnect with.
And not only do I love it..
I need it.
I miss it.
Sharing part of my experience, learning from others and smiling is what gives my life color, gives it meaning, and makes me stronger.

I believe the month of May made me stronger, more passionate and happier.
how can that not be a great package to take into the next month.
- with love -

is motivation always enough?

Have you realized that when you get motivated about one thing, your motivation for other things you have to do fades? Or is that just me?
I am working on my final paper and I am extremely interested in the topic but as more and more challenges arrive I start focusing on other things I'm passionate about. And my motivation for those things grows and gets me all excited. But my motivation for the final paper dissapears :(

Another thing that I see happening more and more with me is that I can only focus a short while on each project. If I try to stay to focused for a longer time I get restless and less productive than I could be.
I need to have many projects going on..
but that also means that it takes me longer time to finish what I have started... because I start so many things.

I believe I'm a very motivated person. I get highly motivated very easily, through arts, music, people, conversations, books and through much more. however, my drive to be productive is not as easily sparked.
I always thought motivation drives you - and I still believe that it can and will.
But it's not the only factor. I guess.
But what are then also part of driving productivity?

In my case, if I'm motivated but not organized I dont get things done.
I get easily distracted as I find so many other things interesting.

So what can I do to be better?
I know I can be better.
I know I can be productive and motivated and deliver on all the exciting projects I have started. But I also realize that I might need help getting to that point.
where do I start looking?

Well, if anyone out there can share some light - I would be very glad.
- with love -

AHA moment brought to me by the sun!

The other day I was walking, the sun was shining and I had great music playing on my iPod and I started thinking a bit about what I have been writing here. And I realized that I have been painting a very negative picture.. but not on purpose. It's just because when I feel down I start to ask questions and it is from there I believe I'm learning the most.

But as I was thinking about this I was basking in the sun and I felt a smile coming... i understood that when I'm happy, satisfied and/or excited I learn different things about myself, my friends and my capabilities.
this sunny day I felt empowered, I felt strong and I felt happy about me.

So, this short blogpost will be about this..
I learn from my challenges in life, and for that I'm so thankful. Without growth and learning I will not be where I am today.
But I realized that where I am today and who I am today makes me happy.
I'm proud and I'm excited about the future..
and I learned that just by smiling and enjoying myself when the conditions allowed me to do so..
and for that I'm thankful as well.
I grow through challenges and happiness.
I can feel it!

- with love -