be careful what you wish for!

again to the same topic as in the last two posts, hope and wish. It's still something that is on my mind although it's slowly fading away into "normal" thoughts if I can put it like that.

few days ago I was listening to Home by Chris Daughtry and one part of the lyrics says..
"be careful what you wish for because you just might get it all" and it got me thinking.
it's very true.. we might be inclined to wish for "too" much and not knowing the concequences if we would get everything we ask for. We want sometimes more than we can handle so to speak. we also sometimes think we want things that others want or have without actually deep inside really want it. But we ask for it and when we get it we dont know how/what to do.

so even though I'm hoping and wishing and praying and thinking.. it might not be what I really really want.
Its important to give it a real thought, be sure that what you wish for is what you want and/or need.
make sure you can handle everything you wish for.

I have to think about these things..

-with love-

Still on a path of crazy hope

My mind has been running around like crazy these past few days and it has affected my life in some ways. My thoughts, as mentioned in my previous post, have not been constructive, been out of place and unreal but somehow I can not stop thinking them.
I can not get them out of my mind, no matter how hard I try, no matter I get facts that prove me wrong they stay there and mess with my.
Its so strange that thoughts and even wishful thinking can play this much with you.

Usually I enjoy having creative mind, thoughts all over the place and thing of new and interesting things.
but when they become unconstructive its not so good.

So wishful thinking is keeping me up at night ( so to speak ).
If I should try to find a possitive apsect of all of this, because keeping this possitive is one way that I make sense of all this, would be to look at this wish I have been feeling finally came alive. I realized that I still want it, and I want it badly.
It's clear to me that I have needs in this live that I always thought of but didnt realized how much I need it, or want it.
I feel that's a possitive aspect of my crazy thoughts.
I have realized what I want in life... and now it's about time to work towards it.

Things I want in life will not come easily, I know.
It will take more out of me than I'm used to, take strategies I haven't been successful with but I say.. I'm aware of that but I'm willing to give it a shoot.
I dont think I would ever be satisfied in life if I would never go for it. Fight for what I need and want in life.
Now I realized where my priorities need to lie.
something that I wasn't completely sure, although I knew needed it.

So even if my thoughts are unreal and keeping me insane... at least some good has come out of it.
For that I'm thankful!

I'm hoping for some hope!

When a thought takes place in your mind it can be hard to let that thought go, even though you know its wrong, not good for you, incapable of happening or just unrealistic.
The power of our mind is extreme. I dont think we realize actually how strong it is. It is so strong it can easily play tricks and make us believe whatever.
No matter how strong you think you are... your mind can be just as strong and have it's own agenda.
but of course, the mind is part of who you are so my beliefs are, that if you think about something and your mind starts to convince you it's true... it's something you want. either secretly or openly.

I'm in a situation now, where a wish or a hope came to my mind and for a second I thought it was coming true.. finally.
But when the course of time proved me wrong my mind still tries to make me belive there is hope..
Because deep down it's what I hope for, wish for, what I need.
so I'm allowing my mind to play this game on me and I'm playing along.
But I know it's wrong.. I just want to cling to this small chance of hope.. that my wish will come true no matter what.

It's not healthy.
I know that.
But while I'm still weak for this hope, I allow my emotions, my intellegence to be clouded by this wish I will not break free..
I will stay blind to these games.
But I am aware that I'm playing a fool, I'm setting myself up to fail, I'm going to be sad.
But as long as I can keep this feeling that my hope is alive.. I guess myself dont care.
Although I should care.

I know this makes no sense.. but this situation also makes no sense to me.
I'm senseless and cant get out of it..
no matter how I try.
I hope time will bring me closer to my senses.. to stop these games.
I hope for this hope to continue being a hope, but for the future.. not for the present!
- with love and hope -

on crossroads and heading for the future

This month is about to end.. just 2 whole days left and I keep wondering where the time flies.. because it's gone before I know it.
This month has been positive but I have to admit I have felt a big share of homesickness and disconnected with my family due to this long distance.
But there are events, talks and people that help me return on my path again and for these people I'm so grateful.

This month has been a family month. A month where I meet friends and try to smile more. A month where I do my best at school.
It's been a busy month. Month with hard work. A month where I need to challenge myself.
It's been a month with great weather. Month mixed feelings and a month hard times.

But from these hard times, from those challenges I feel the positive things have come to place.
I feel I've gained more friends. I have found my passion. I have travelled a little. I have strengthen family ties. I have been happy about who I am.
April might have passed my fast but this month leaves me behind with many feelings, accomplishments, friends and happiness.
What more can a month really give you?

So I look forward to May and it's challenges and successes as I am sure I will come out of that month even stronger than I am today!
-with love-

with passion comes success - but where can you find passion?

These past few days I have been thinking a lot about my priorities and how I take my decisions.
The reason is that somehoe I always move far away from those things that I should be doing and decide on doing those that I want to be doing.

This weekend I should have stayed at home, read through my articles and make sure I'm ready for my final exam next wednesday. But instead I took the time to travel over the country to attend an AIESEC conference as Alumnus with good friends of mine and deliver one session.
I was so passionate about it, I wanted to make sure my session was the best one.
During the whole of this weekend I haven't looked at anything relating to my studies.
And just now, when I'm thinking about it, I start to get guilty. But only now when I really think about it.
Not before.
Not during my session.
Not on my way home.

What does that mean?
Does it mean that I did have my priorities in the right order? that since I'm still so passionate about AIESEC I should take every opportunity to keep involved, keep motivated?
I'm not sure.
But I know that I do not regret this weekend and I know that there is hard work infront of me..
But now, as I am thinking about this and if I made the right decision, I'm motivated. I'm happy. I'm passionate.
So maybe this was not a bad thing.
Maybe I just need/should channel this motivation towards my exam and make sure I use it while its still so fresh in my head, my body and my soul.

I hope it will work.

temptations all around me

I'm sitting in my living room and listening to tranquil moments by the sea. It's not because I'm all stressed out, not because I feel the need to relax but because I'm leading a reflection session for outgoing AIESECers tomorrow.
I want it to be a peaceful experience and in order to give that to them I feel I should be at peace as well.

I've been feeling a little restless.. not able to stay focused on the things at hand and keep dreaming and thinking of other projects I much rather would like to be working at than those I ought to be focusing on.
I'm trying to organize my days.
I'm trying to stay true to the path I see success on.
I'm trying to stay happy.

but distractions are many and unfortunately I fall easily.
falling is so easy, it's the "rising up again" part and look away from temptations that is so challenging for me.
And the worst thing is, I keep falling for the same distractions over and over again, even though I know better.
I swear, I know better but I can not stay strong.
I so want to stay strong.

Each fall opens something hurting inside and I want to leave that behind.
I want to forget.
close my eyes and not beleive I still feel something.

I want to be able to look away when tempted.
So far I'm still weak.
But I want to be strong!

- with love -

few days of emptiness leave me open for adventures!

For few days now I've been homesick, feeling blue and not very sociable. I miss my family, I have worries on my mind, I am stressed and I'm frustrated.
For few days now I have not been willing to smile, to feel good, to allow myself to be happy.
Those few days took so much energy out of me.

Saying goodbye to my brother as he smiled and walked towards the security check at the airport made me cry, I felt so alone. I felt so far away from friends and family.
For those few days my thoughts have been heavy, sad and taking me back home to Iceland.
Those few days drained me.

I know it's hard to be far away from those you love but sometimes I get so surprised how homesick I can get. I have been far away from my family before, I will be again and I'm currently doing good living in Copenhagen. So why does this period stay so long this time?

I think what I'm missing, and the reason my mind drifts to Iceland so often is the fact that here in Denmark I am alone. just as alone as I was in Paris - but in a different way -. I realized that I need people around, those I trust, those that I can hang with without having any expectation of "need to do stuff". That's why I'm feeling so alone. I dont have that here in Denmark, that's what I'm searching for by missing my family.
Thats why it was so hard to see my brother leave after having spent great time with him, hanging with a person I trust and not "having to do anything".
It was so needed and so nice.
That's why these few days came by, with emptiness and homesickness.
Those few days that stopped by, making sure I still know what I need.

These next few days will be brighter.
I'm not feeling as blue, the sun is shining more and I'm experiencing more.
that's what the next few days will be about.
I cant wait!

- with love -