November holds my hand into Special times

Last day of the month again and this day feels better than many other end of the month days.
November was mild, both in weather and also in feelings. I look back with smile and look forward to December.
Motivation has been low, my current path has been questioned and reflected upon, my self esteem has been shattered, my feelings have been mixed but still... It's been balanced I believe.
Good things have happened, friends visited, Copenhagen explored and feelings rekindled.
November has seen drama, frustrations, smiles and laughters.. But that should all months include.
Or at least that's my opinion!

So as December starts, one of my favorite month, November leads me into the new month with smile. What more can I ask for?

Christmas season is arriving and I cant be happier with that. I do believe Christmas brings the best out in my family, and I love sharing these special times with them.
But what is also exciting this year is the fact that I will experience Danish Christmas as well. That for me is priceless as well.
As much as I love my own traditions I do love learning new things as well, see how others celebrate these special times and how they enjoy life.
I love it.

Why is Christmas time so special for me?
I somehow feel people become more possitive, smile more and share their life, love and experiences. I believe and feel people want to be with me, they want to make me smile and they want me to make them smile.
It's time of family and family is one of my values. A value I want to nurish and attend to. It makes me smile.
That's what Christmas means to me!
I love being home.
I can not wait to go home and feel this again.
I miss it!

- with love -

The power of Poetry!

When I was younger I expressed myself, my feelings and my creativity through poetry.
I was good at it, I loved it and I made people smile with them.
What a great feeling.
But then it somehow got lost to me.
Time passed with no writing, no words on paper and no expressions.
And the wierdest thing was, I didn't miss it!

The other day I reconnected with my old writings. I read them over and it kindled a known feeling within me. I remembered the feeling of creating something nice, beautiful and funny. I remembered the feeling I had when I wrote my sad poems, what events had just happened in my life and how they have changed me. Helped me to become who I am today.
Poetry was my expression, my way of letting my thoughts run free.

But as i grew older it faded.. why I'm not sure.
As I read my poetry I realized I miss this expression, this creation.
In a way, this blog is trying to fill in a hole.

I had forgotten, but when I was living in Paris last year I wrote few poems.
When I was feeling sad, all alone and not being able to share... I sat down with my notebook and expressed myself on paper.
And it felt good.

My poetry is very personal, ment for myself.

A friend asked me this week - why dont you publish them. Let others enjoy them?
And the feeling I got was... scared.
I would be letting people in, learning private things about the way I feel and think. I am not ready for that kind of openness..Not at this stage of my life.
My poems are for myself, to keep my thoughts clear, to help me conceptualize my feelings.
I believe everyone should do the same - but find their own form/way to express them.

I hope, that now I will continue expressing myself. Both with my thoughts here and my feelings in a poetry form.
It might help me focused.

-with love-

Have you ever thought "just maybe"?

Feelings - what an interesting and sometimes amazing experience they can bring. They can also be sad, pain and cold.
We want to feel, mostly good, but I sometimes think people are searching for the feeling of pain.
Why do I think that?
People continue to hold on to objects or other human beings, fighting the loss as hard as they can. Most of the time, those people/objects we crave to hold on are those we need to let go.
But we cant and therefore we keep a feeling of pain, hurt and sadness within ourselves.

what is it that keeps us holding on?
Why do we fight to hold on to something that either has no feelings for us or that needs to leave our lives for some reasons?
Why is it hard to let go?

I guess, and this is only my opinion, that we want to believe that this person/Object is good for us in some ways.
That potentially there is more to come then the current relationship we have.
That maybe that person feels the same about you.

But usually, when we have hard time letting go - the other person doesn't even notice. Life goes on as normal.
And yet we sit and hope and pray and wonder.
it can be so painful.

So that's why I say people hold on to pain, the search it out and wont let go.
It takes time, hard work and support to give up something you truely believe is a good thing for you.
Giving it up is going to be hard. But only in the short term.
then pain goes away and we leave ourselves open for joy, love and laughter with new pepole, new objects - new experiences.

-with love-

What a difference a day makes

It's interesting to realize how much the environment around you, events you go through and the news you receive can effect you.
It's also interesting to experience how your feelings can change one day to the next.

The way you react shows a little the character of your person, how strong you are and how self centered you are.
Being able to slowly but steadily take each challenge on, behave in a mature way and not giving up, feeling sad and blue is hard but not impossible.
When you are a stronger person it becomes even a preferred reaction to a challenge.
You know yourself enough to not fall into this bad habits.

I'm always saying I know myself well but then something happens and I'm challenged in my way of thinking and the way I look at myself.
I am preasured to rethink who I am, why I react the way I do and where I need to improve.
Because there are areas of improvement - I just am a little blind towards them myself in a daily routine.

But what I'm glad about, what makes me satisfied with me - is the fact that when I am challenged, when I know I'm reacting not according to what I believe in, I recogize it.. And that gives me potential in becoming better.
I am glad that I have that.
Not everyone does I believe.

So today has been a reflection day for my behavior, my selfishness and my lack of strength.
I'm a little closer to improvement.
But it's an ongoing process - and that I believe not everyone understands either.
You need to constantly rethink, reshape and reform who you are to become better ( or at least that is my believe at this very moment).
Reflection is my current action. I take it seriously.

-with love-

Selfishness on all levels :s

when you find out that all your hard work, sleepless nights, blood, sweat and tears haven't been successful it's like a slap in your face. All your wind is out, energy is low and you feel bad.
Not bad for your little success but because even though you gave it your all - it still wasn't good enough.
Your self-esteem takes a hit and you wonder.. why am I bothering since my best is not good enough?

I'm feeling like this now..
But also what comes to mind is "if at first you dont succeed - try again".
I dont know why this is hitting me so hard today.
Maybe because I know I gave it my all and therefore I'm not going to become better. If I didn't understand and do better - what implies I will do better next time?

I think the reason why I get so sad is because I feel sorry for myself.
Instead of taking this and roll with it, making my mind on doing better I stop and be sad, feel sorry for myself and believe I deserve it.
But I dont.
I did my best and obiously it wasn't what was needed.

So why do I keep feeling sorry for myself?
Why do people do that?
Well, I have always believed that we are selfish creatures with focus on our best benefits, our best solution and our rights - weather it's actually right or not!
I think this is showing a little my selfishness.
So I better stop.

I know it's hard to get less recognition from a hard work than you expected.
I have experienced it.
I know that people demand what they believe they deserve.
I have done the same.

But those feelings will not bring me better results next time.
So I better stop and do.
Do the best I can and just cross my finger and hope it's the right thing to do at that point in time.
It's all I can do.
That and stop my selfishness!

-with love-

Path of no return?

As I sit at my desk, watch out my window into the darkness that is embracing Copenhagen now I feel a little uneased.
I should be at peace after a relaxing weekend, catching up with family and exploring Denmark a little more but I'm not.
It's not an uncomfortable feeling I'm having. It's kind a more "oh man, why am I here?"
So I'm in a need to soulsearch a little and figure my way a little again.
Being so busy I haven't had the time to confirm where I'm heading and if I'm satisfied with it.

I miss my lifestyle of travelling, of discovering new cultures, people and being on the move.
Now I'm getting into a routine, something I haven't done in years and it feels strange. Routine is not bad and I am discovering new things - but in the field of my studies.
It's just a feeling like I'm missing out on life!

I know that's not what's happening as I'm preparing myself for the future.
But the fast track I've been on is becoming slow and steady and familiar.
There is no uncertanty, no breath of fresh air, now feeling of accomplishment.
Perhaps this feeling is starting to show it self as I have began to question the path I'm on now.. Dont get me wrong, Denmark is great!
But I'm not completely satisfied with my study program and maybe that is pushing this doubt, this feeling on going nowhere into my heart.
Perhaps I just need to sit down, analyze my life as it is at the moment and discover if I'm on the right path or not.

Maybe I need a time where life takes an unexpected turn, brings in color and excitement and get's me motivated again.
As I read in the book I'm currently reading " Principle-centered leadership" by Stephen R, Covey...
Motivation is a function of the heart - more than the head..
And maybe I'm not following my heart as I should be.
Maybe I am and I just dont realize it because the other alternative looks more interested - the gras is greener or the other side..
But is that ever the case?
I should just hold back and rediscover who I am and where I'm going - to make sure my path is taking my the right way!

-with love-

I'm just joking ( and leaving you a hint )

With every sentence we say, in joke or in real, there is always some level of seriousness behind it. Even if you might not see it in your own words, it's there.
People say something, knowing that it's a joke but the little portion of truth in it might find it's way to the listener.
Wierd topic I know but I've been thinking about why do I make the jokes I do. Is there some truth that I'm trying to send out to the listener - as I do believe that there is meaning with everything I say?

Like Skunk Anansie says - I'm lost in time I can count the words.. That's what I'm doing.
I'm counting my words, making sure I'm not saying something I dont really want people to hear, understand or see.

I made a joke the other night that lead to interesting discussions, but the thing is.. I wanted those discussions to happen. I wanted to see if the thoughts were still there with the listener.
So I used the joke to manipulate the aftermath of the joke towards topics that I found to hard to just start a discussion on.
So the joke had a truth, a meaning, an hidden agenda.

I'm becoming more and more aware of this.. and therefore I'm trying to not just joke randomly but "use" the jokes in a right way.
Although I'm getting more aware of this - I'm not sure that others are aware. Or sometimes it feels like they are not aware - and the smallest joke can leave traces of truth, hurt and pain after it's said.
But is it my role to ask people if there is a little truth behind each joke? If they meant something more then what they wanted to say?
Well, we all learn by getting constructive feedback from others, we spend time with, work with and so on.
But is this something that can be given in a form of feedback?
I'm just not sure.

- with love -