Life is full of questions - I dare to ask them and hope for answers.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Sharing of feelings and frustrations

This morning I have been questioning me and the reasons I'm fighting in this role.
I'm questioning my motives to stay, my thoughts of wanting to quit and the value of my work as well as questioning other people's behavior towards me when I'm feeling this stressed out.

This morning I have felt inferior, tiny and unappreciated.
And I wonder if it's because the people that I'm trying to communicate with dont see the reason for me to be stressed, for being angry and for wanting to change some things.
Am I overreacting?
is that giving them reason to make me feel so small?
Am I making more from the situation then actually is there?
Why would I question myself if everything is as I feel, as I see it and as bad as I say?

I'm guilty because I'm not motivated to do my work because I feel like I should stick it out.
But then, family and friends - whose who care about me - tell me to leave. It's not shameful to leave when you are treated like dirt, it's not my fault, that I have done everything I can.
Again, I question that - Have I done everything I can?
Did I absolutely try?

In my heart I feel the answer is yes.
I have looked the other way when areas of my life were so challenging that I wouldnt sleep at night.
I have done the best I can communicating and being transparent in my role.
I have informed individuals about the situation and offered my help to make things better - even if it's not my role to do so.
I have smiled, laughed, cried, screamed and still I'm sitting at the chair and questioning am I doing something wrong?
Why do I feel as it's my fault?

Today I feel like this is it!
Today I want to walk out and never come back.
Today I will try to smile and make this day go by knowing the people I work with do not care ( as far as I can feel )
and today will be another day at the office with no motivation and feeling waist of time.

Just a random sharing of my feelings - today they are lower then usual.
Tomorrow I will back to my smiling self!
- with love and hope for better days to come -