All I got for Christmas was what I wanted!

The Christmas holiday season is one of my most favorite times of the year. Time to be with family and understand how truly blessed you are as a person. It's time to rekindle friendships that are becoming rusty by spending time with people who mean a lot to you, laugh and smile, talk and listen, love and be loved!
Who does not love the feeling that comes with this?

Since I came home, hugged my family and saw how big my little nephew has gotten I've been quite emotional. smallest happy thoughts, sad moments, lovely gestures by friends make me cry. I'm emotional but more importantly, I'm happy.
I count my blessings for having amazing people around me.

What I also like around this holiday is the peace and calm I feel around my people, despite the fact that the whole country is going crazy due to stress.
My famlily's priority is to enjoy each other company rather then doing everything, cleaning everything and see everything.
I love that, that's Christmas for me.
Being relaxed, love my company, love the food and just soak in the energy that comes with being happy.

As the new year soon will knock on the door I want to wish those how read this, happy holidays. may you also enjoy it as much as I do and spend it the way that brings you the most joy!

- with love and holiday spirit -

back to the past that I cant let go of.

I was watching a tv show called The Forgotten and in the end there was a talk that really struck me and made me think. "I wanted to go back. But you cant go back, people change.[...]Places can be magic, and certain times in your life can be magic too. But when they go, you have to let them go. I know that know. you still take them with you."

I have talked about this before.. letting people/things go when you should, even though it's hard for you. These sentences here above are true. those time might have been magical but magic doesnt last forever. nothing really does. So in order to keep the image of magic and smiles alive - you have to let it go before it becomes worse. Then you only will remember those bad times, where magic doesnt exist.

But how do you "allow" people to leave your heart, your mind, your thoughts?
How can you do this without falling apart?

I believe there are magical moments I try to relive, keep close to me, even though the time has past and the people dont share the same feelings as back then. But I find it so hard to let go of this magical feeling, the smiles, the happiness it brought me.
But I know i have to.
And sometimes I think I have already let go... but then I realize I'm not even close.
What makes me hold on when I should let go?

So many questions with no possible answers just floating around.
I hope to think more about this and even come to some conclusion... If I do, I will share it here!

-with love-

thinking few steps ahead!

I have been thinking more and more about my next steps, my future and where I see myself in that context.
Part of that picture is having a family ( hopefully )even though my current situation does not support that dream, being single and all. Even so, this is a big part of my future as I see it.
fair enough that I'm having these dreams, but the thoughts that come after that are the ones that really cought my attention.

a little background is needed before I explain my thoughts, or at least I wanna share.

I believe I grew up to be a good person, I'm well raised ( I think so ), I'm resectful and I have great relationship with my parents, my brother, my grandparents and other family member. of course I've been rebellious but nothing that is not normal for teenagers growing up. I believe this about my brother as well, he's a great person, hard working, caring and honest.
These traits, I stongly believe, are there due to our upbringing - that is, the way my parents raised us.

back to what I've been thinking about when this family picture of the future comes to mind.

I'm very nervous that I will not be able to do as good job as I believe my parents have done. that scares me.
I know that it will come when the time is right but I believe I have big shoes to fill and that scares me as well.
I want a great relationship with my children, I want them to respect others and I want them to love life.
It's not time for me yet to think about this, but I still do.
I wanna be prepared - as I'm scared of this role, this role that I also can not wait to take on with a great partner ( hopefully I'll get there ).

So my question is just simple - what makes people great parents?
Yeah, just wondering like always!

- with love -

Pride belongs to those who work for it!

Today I read an online article from a woman and the title was "for the first time I'm ashamed of being Icelandic". the article was interesting and I agree with most of her arguements.
However I have to comment on one thing she says, it might be a minor detail but it struck a nerve with me and I feel I should tell my opinion as well.

She talks about what made her proud of being Icelandic, the health system, the pure nature and the safety of the people.
These are all fair points and I agree with them.

Most people might be aware of the situation that is currently in my country. financial crisis, bank crisis and in a way there is a political crisis as well. Somewhere the government ( if I can call it that ) needs to find money in the system to sustain the state. It's hard as we are facing huge deficites and debts. It's up the to people in at the parliment to find ways for us out of this.
And of course the "only" solution is to cut down in our services. It's harsh, I dont agree with everything but the money needs to come somewhere.
However, that's a topic for a whole another discussion. One that I think will not be done here.

What struck me is that she claims being ashamed of being Icelandic because of the actions our government are taking. That the decisions they have taken strips away her pride of our country. Fair enough. I also dont agree with those decisions. I believe there can be solutions found elsewhere.
But what I can not say is that I'm ashamed of being Icelandic. On the contrary. I am proud of my nationality. What I'm ashamed of are the people claiming to be working in our best interest.
These people who strive to save their own role, their own asses, their supporters opinion to gain more money from them later on.
These are the people I feel should be ashamed of calling themselves Icelandic.
Not me.
I have done what I can to support my country. It's not much but I try.
I'm proud to be Icelandic and I'm proud to actually want to change things back home, that I care, that I dont agree with those people who with their actions are driving the nation further down the drain.
These people should not be proud to call themselves Icelandic AND say they are working for the people.

So I mostly agree with this lady, she makes good points, fair arguments but I dont think we are the ones who should be ashamed.. Not at all.
Now is the time to protest and show the "government" what it means to be ICELANDIC!
That's my opinion.

- with love -

All we need is love - but what does that mean?

I'm watching these TV shows called OZ. They are about maximum security prison in the USA and scary to mention as well.. but what I find extremely interesting is the part of the narrator in the show.
He's part of the prison inmates but his major role is to, in my opinion, to challenge and give food for thoughts. How intereting! in a prison tv show!

One of the toughts they were provocing is using the saying "head over heels" when talking about love. This saying, originally, comes from old Britain when people committed a crime of some sort they were hung upside down, with their heels over their head. from there on out it was used when you were in a position of no control, in state of helplessness. so why use that phrase when it comes to being in love?
- their comment was; being in love IS like being helpless, being out of control. Sometimes in a good way and sometimes in a negative way. It was quite interesting to hear this.

And it all came together when I watched a movie called The holiday. One part of that movie, one of the main character is talking about being in love. Some people are in love with each other but many ( unfortunately ) are in love without having that love being reciprocated. It's painful, you feel helpless and out of control of your own emotions.
No one ever talks about these people, these unlucky ones that go through being "head over heels" literally speaking in love.

so I have to wonder, if explanations are taken from painful experiences to showcase what love is, or what it means to be in love - is love then partly negative?
My experience of love is both negative AND positive. And most of the time it's been a painful process of helplessness and doubt.
But there are experiences of joy, satisfaction, strength and peacefulness in there as well.

Love, as a topic for discussion, is extremely interesting. People have different views on what it means and how to show love. All we can agree on is twofolded; that it is hard, to either be in love alone or with someone, even if the end result of this hardness is good or bad. and that we all disagree on what love actually means!

- with love -

the book that should be open - people!

I sometimes find myself wonder why it can be so challenging to read people, understand their motives and therefore prevent being hurt later on in the communications and/or relationship.
I do believe I'm a bit naive when it comes to this matter, but I also want to believe that I'm learning.. but sometimes it doesnt really look and feel like I am.

Being a woman, I'm aware that females often overinterpret behaviors, words and signs. I'm fully aware of that. But somehow, when the signs are just SO DAMN clear but the behaviour doesnt support them I get confused. I doubt and wonder.
Its hard enough to get to know people without all these games, rules, lies, bluffs and whatnot. I'm just not able to play at the same level as some people do.
And because of that I suffer, I misread people and I feel I've been let on and then let down.

I'm fully aware that I want to believe the best in people but I also have had the experience that it's hard to see or get to know people that well that they are willing to show you their best.
they, instead, have this mask on, that is attached with behaviour that is built on defense and blocking. Although they deep down might want to share, open up and the signs are there - it's just hard to break old habits, to unmask and stand there vulnerable.
But I sometimes feel I'm the only one that tries to take her mask of ( I dont intend to say I'm the only one without a mask - I know that's not true ).

I just want to be able to read people, understand their behaviours and live my life without being hurt, being let down and walked all over.
I hope, I sure do, that it comes with time and practice, experience and wisdom.
- with love -

So you think you can dance????

I had a very intersting conversation with a friend the other day.. and it just came to me again today as this day has been a little more complicated than days before.
the conversation was about living life as it was a dance. it brings twists and turns, backsteps, front steps, jumps and twirls. And when you dance with others it brings you more joy than you could have imagine.

However, just like dancing, you need to practice. Otherwise you will not be able to dance with others, you stay off balance and your rythm is not right.

Life is like that. what we do now, this hard, complicated, confused time of our life is our practice. We are getting ready to do the dance we so desperatly want to dance sooner rather than later.
today is a hard day of practice. I'm realizing that I allow people to dance with me that have no intention to help me grow as a dancer, no intention to stay with me the whole practice and be my partner in crime while dancing.. and when I find out I become sad. I start to doubt myself. I feel little.
So even though I've been pracicing for years now and my dance is slowly coming together.. I find myself wondering if Im pracicing the wrong dance.

How can I be sure Im supposed to be dancing a salsa and not a wals?
these are just few thoughts Im having...
-with love and dance-

with life full of teachers

Although I have not been writing this passed month it's not because of lack of topics, low energy or few thoughts in my head.. on the contrary.. there has just been lack of time to put them into words and post them here.

I love learning from others, I seek out people, I ask questions, I enjoy being inspired by amazing people. and often I know where to look for answers to my questions, who to speak to to become inspired, what to do to learn.
But sometimes my AHA moments, those moments when I'm learning something unexpected, something I feel so important, come when I least expect them to arrive - from people I did not expect to be so insightful. and the beauty of it, they're not even trying to be, they just are at this moment. what they are saying hits home and my AHA moment arrives.

This happened to me this summer when two people, one very close to me and one who used to be very close to me, just in a converstation said something that left a foodprint in my mind, hit a nerve, something about this random conversation had a hidden message for me... without them knowing it.
this made me think and reflect on myself, my behaviour and my ideas about myself.
it was so interesting.

And the most interesting part was that these people, these unexpected "teachers" dont know it.
This summer gave me some material to reflect on myself but with this post I wanted to remind people that we can learn from everyone - we all have insights, experiences, feelings that we can share, inspire with and also teach.
Dont judge the book by it's cover if you really want to learn, reflect, grow.
allow your mind to be open to the "magic words" from all around. Not just from those directions you expect them to arrive from.
You will be amazed by the insight into peoples life and the AHA moments that insight can and will bring.
allow yourself to learn from everyone..
and people will be able to learn from you as well.

I'm facinated, I'm ready to learn
- with love -

Rollercoster of life!

these past few days have been hard, strange but with hint of happiness..
I haven't been able to formulate my thoughts, my feelings as this week is coming to an end. Sometimes when life takes on those bigger rollercoster rides your head keeps spinning as you dont take the time to digest your emotions.. you dont feel the whole experience, you stay numb. or at least I feel sometimes like that.

But it is hard to keep up with rollercoster of emotions, feelings, frustrations, happiness... and therefore I'm afraid I dont take as much out of it as I can.. as I want.
I need to be more active in asking questions, digging deeper and analyse myself.. specially in rollercosters, as those moments might showcase the most who I am, how I react and where my points of improvements are.
Not everyone thinks of these things.
I haven't for a long time but I want to start thinking again..
to be better,
to be happier,
to be healthier.

but how can I do this?
Where and how to start?
I will look into this and hope for the best... as I have never been a huge rollercoster fan ;)
- with love -

to tell or not to tell - where is the line?

it's interesting how you always think afterwards about things you should have said. Specially in situations when the outcome was negative.
Sometimes you wonder if you were too harsh, sometimes you wish you had said how you really feel.. but sometimes you know you were right, but it still feels bad, strange, empty.
Why is that?
why do we sometimes wish we hadn't said how we felt, knowing we had the right to share that, inform the person about it, in order to have clear and honest communications?
Why do we always think of how others feel about how we feel?

Of course it's not good to be rude, but if you feel like saying it, you think it will help in communications and clear the air, then my opinion is TELL IT.
But be able to explain your reasons, your arguments for doing so!
I sometimes wonder if I'm the only one feeling like this!

decisions decisions decisions!

Some decisions are easier than others, and some are breeze to make. it's those hard ones that really question myself on how well I know me and what I want in life.
It's hard when you feel the need to make decisions that you are not 100% sure you wanna make but you can feel the need for them anyway.
But these decisions are those that shape our lives in many cases.

It's not hard to make decisions when you know what your values are. ~Roy Disney

This statement is speaking to me now,
I have worked very hard to become who I am today.. someone I'm proud of, someone with good values and someone who loves life.
By knowing what I want, what I value, should help me in my decision making.
But sometimes it's hard to see clearly.
Take for example Love.
I have been in love... and I wish to experience that feeling again as it is wonderful.
However, I seem to keep holding on to something/someone that reminds me of that past, that feeling, that love.
But in order to stay true to my values I need to let go, start to open up again, and not sell myself short/undermining my worth.
But its hard.
But as this statement shows, If I want to show my worth to others I have to believe it myself and walk the talk.
And that walk usually starts with hard decisions.
So make it!

And I have, or I believe and feel I have.
Lets see if I stand by it and dont sell myself out but stay strong!
- with love -

Social construction influenced by music!

Today I was sitting in the Metro on my way to the airport to meet a dear friend. She had a very short layover at the Copenhagen airport.
as always, while travelling I had my iPod on and a song came on that made me think a little..
The song is called Call my name with a band called Third Day.
I found the song and I want to share it with you here.. maybe you take some learning out of it as I did today - or more as thoughts rather than learnings.



In my current studies I have learned that words, stories and discourses can carry a lot of meaning with them.. something we can make sense out of and I'm starting to apply this approach to my songs as well. Many songs have meaning, we just need to dig deeper and find what meaning we put into it.
In the song above there were sentences like;
- Its been so long since you felt like you were loved
-What went wrong?
-When you feel like you're alone in your sadness
-and it seems like no one in this whole world cares
-

I construct my own social reality and create a meaning of this... where I connect with these sad words, sad reality. but understand that there might be someone who actually cares.. who wants me to call their names.
So even if the reality around me feels unbearable, I'm sad and alone, my friends are far away and not always there.. I just need to stretch my hand, make a phonecall, send an e-mail, facebook message or even skype them and my reality changes as people bring in their reality to mine and construct a new, more positive, happy place where I want to be.
Load of crap maybe.. but in my reality, this all makes sense!! :)

- with love -

bringing hidden agenda into the light!

Our life and experiences is something we can and should share with others, both for enlightenment as well as for just talk about their life.
for some of us, though, there are times in our lives that by some reasons we can not share, due to secrets, promises, bad experiences or choices we're not proud of.
believe me I have few of those experiences but when I look back at them most of them I learned something, I gained something ( even if I lost something/someone ) and in my experience sharing has usually brought me closer to understanding my learnings.

I know sometimes you have to keep a secret, promise not to tell or share, live with bad decisions or whatever, but in the long term you should be able to find out what you learned as a person. what did that period have to do with who you are now as a person. How you can avoid or reach out to new or old friends or things.
Its important.

Although it is important it is hard to make sense to these times, these events, these people.
My opinion is that I need to try.
if not, it hunts me, frustrates me or scares me, hurts me and hinders me from growing.
I dont want that.
I cant afford that.
So how can I start to make sense to my "darker/hidden" periods, people in it, events attended, love lived and/or lost?
How can I start to open up after being closed for such a long time, wondering what it meant, if it meant anything at all?
How can I overcome this hiding and realize how it is affecting me today?
how is what I want to know!

-with love-

Music guides my way!

It is amazing how powerful songs and lyrics can be when certain situations happen.
In more the one occation do I look to songs to feel empowered, inspired, angry and to hear words that I need to hear to start letting go of things.
I never really understood how some people can actually live for music but it started to be clearer and clearer when I realize how important this little things are for my sanity. it's amazing.
think about it.... really think when you hear songs, what emotions do they waken within you?
What do you think?
How do you feel afterwards?
Was it needed?

I wanna end this post about my awareness with few lines that are important for me since last night.. and I need to keep them in mind just for few more days.. then I hopefully need another song with another meaning to guide me through my rocky path :)

The walls start breathing
My mind's unweaving
Maybe it's best you leave me alone.
A weight is lifted
On this evening
I give the final blow.

When darkness turns to light,
It ends tonight
It ends tonight.
- The All American Rejects

the lyrics speak to me, Now I just better listen!!!

-with love-

being me is not good enough?

I never learn from my past mistakes.. or at least it feels like I dont.
Sometimes I feel like I'm naive.. I'm too trusting and allow people to take advantage of me. and then I become disappointed and angry when they dont deliver to my "standards" of behavior because that's what I expected in return.
even though they never "agreed" with my expectations.

it makes me angry at myself, it makes me angry at these individuals and makes me sometimes doubt if getting to know new people is actually worth it. It feels like I'm just loosing more than I'm gaining.
Or at least that's how it feels now, at this very moment. Just when I have been having a negative experience yet again with an individual I thought was worth "keeping".
I was wrong.. and I learn the hard way.

This is not the first time I'm angry at myself because of this person, and it's not the first time I'm angry at this person.
How can I overcome this believe that people are by rule kind hearted and want you well?
When in real life people think about themselves and their gains in the relationship. how much can they get away with this time without giving anything back or actually investing in a friendship or a relationship?
Why does it seem that I attract these type of people?
and why the f**k cant I learn that it's never as it seems, they dont mean what they are saying and I just end up without a friend and loss of integrity and/or positivity.

I know that this is not true of all people, but like I said.. it feels like I'm attracting all the "wrong" type of people in my life now.. and it's making me feel that I should just keep to the current friends I have, not open up, not take chances and not allow people in.. because I'm too open when I start.. I'm too needy if I can say that. and people cant handle it and leave, and take their words and promises with them..
good riddance I guess!
lets see
-with love-

when it rains - it pours! so to speak!

It is in times when you get bad news you start understanding your strength and the power of the relationship you have with your family, or those involved in the bad news.
Today I got bad news, it left me shocked, it left me with tears in my eyes.
I guess life needs to be balanced, good and bad come in package. you cant have one without the other.
It's a matter of how you handle the time when bad news arrive in your life.. I look inside, channel my thoughts to the good time, share my feelings with people I trust and try to continue with my life.
But it is hard.
News that affect you can take energy out of you, leave you stranded..
and how can you get back on track when once stranded?

I'm in a search for answers to these how questions of mine.
I will not be left behind stranded and sinking..
I will get free, with my strength and my power..
But I might need support..
and I'm not afraid to look for it..
- with love -

I count my luck in life!

I sometimes find myself thinking how lucky I am.
I have amazing parents and family who support me when needed without me having to ask. They know how hard it is for me to ask for help, no matter how small it is.
I feel, as people offer their support, that I'm appreciated, I'm valued as a person, a member of the family and that my contribution is important. I think that's why my family is so generous and willing to help me.
I'm honored by this.. and I know just how lucky I am.
Not everyone has a family they can rely on.
Unfortunately.

I sometimes also think about my friends.
I have many great friends with diverse background, from different corners of the world and who value different things in life.
But they all make me feel great, make me feel inspired in one way or another.
The fact that they look for me, want to hang with me, spend their precious time with me shows me that they care. That they appreciate who I am and what I bring to the friendship.
I'm amazed by this and I can not help to count my luck and smile when I think of my friends.
I know, not everyone has friends that truely care and allow you to be who you are.
Unfortunatly.

The reason for this message is not to showcase anything special except for the fact that we have people around us that elevate us, lift us up, allow us to become greater than we ever thought we could become.
All because they care, they support, they show interest, they want you around.
I think we all need to recognize these people in life and show them we know. we care as well and support them to be as great as they can be.
It goes both ways.

I hope my friends and family feel the same. that I'm here for them, support and care.
I hope they think they are lucky knowing I want to have them around, I listen to them and share their excitments and joy.
just as they do with me.
I hope they know!

- with love -

be careful what you wish for!

again to the same topic as in the last two posts, hope and wish. It's still something that is on my mind although it's slowly fading away into "normal" thoughts if I can put it like that.

few days ago I was listening to Home by Chris Daughtry and one part of the lyrics says..
"be careful what you wish for because you just might get it all" and it got me thinking.
it's very true.. we might be inclined to wish for "too" much and not knowing the concequences if we would get everything we ask for. We want sometimes more than we can handle so to speak. we also sometimes think we want things that others want or have without actually deep inside really want it. But we ask for it and when we get it we dont know how/what to do.

so even though I'm hoping and wishing and praying and thinking.. it might not be what I really really want.
Its important to give it a real thought, be sure that what you wish for is what you want and/or need.
make sure you can handle everything you wish for.

I have to think about these things..

-with love-

Still on a path of crazy hope

My mind has been running around like crazy these past few days and it has affected my life in some ways. My thoughts, as mentioned in my previous post, have not been constructive, been out of place and unreal but somehow I can not stop thinking them.
I can not get them out of my mind, no matter how hard I try, no matter I get facts that prove me wrong they stay there and mess with my.
Its so strange that thoughts and even wishful thinking can play this much with you.

Usually I enjoy having creative mind, thoughts all over the place and thing of new and interesting things.
but when they become unconstructive its not so good.

So wishful thinking is keeping me up at night ( so to speak ).
If I should try to find a possitive apsect of all of this, because keeping this possitive is one way that I make sense of all this, would be to look at this wish I have been feeling finally came alive. I realized that I still want it, and I want it badly.
It's clear to me that I have needs in this live that I always thought of but didnt realized how much I need it, or want it.
I feel that's a possitive aspect of my crazy thoughts.
I have realized what I want in life... and now it's about time to work towards it.

Things I want in life will not come easily, I know.
It will take more out of me than I'm used to, take strategies I haven't been successful with but I say.. I'm aware of that but I'm willing to give it a shoot.
I dont think I would ever be satisfied in life if I would never go for it. Fight for what I need and want in life.
Now I realized where my priorities need to lie.
something that I wasn't completely sure, although I knew needed it.

So even if my thoughts are unreal and keeping me insane... at least some good has come out of it.
For that I'm thankful!

I'm hoping for some hope!

When a thought takes place in your mind it can be hard to let that thought go, even though you know its wrong, not good for you, incapable of happening or just unrealistic.
The power of our mind is extreme. I dont think we realize actually how strong it is. It is so strong it can easily play tricks and make us believe whatever.
No matter how strong you think you are... your mind can be just as strong and have it's own agenda.
but of course, the mind is part of who you are so my beliefs are, that if you think about something and your mind starts to convince you it's true... it's something you want. either secretly or openly.

I'm in a situation now, where a wish or a hope came to my mind and for a second I thought it was coming true.. finally.
But when the course of time proved me wrong my mind still tries to make me belive there is hope..
Because deep down it's what I hope for, wish for, what I need.
so I'm allowing my mind to play this game on me and I'm playing along.
But I know it's wrong.. I just want to cling to this small chance of hope.. that my wish will come true no matter what.

It's not healthy.
I know that.
But while I'm still weak for this hope, I allow my emotions, my intellegence to be clouded by this wish I will not break free..
I will stay blind to these games.
But I am aware that I'm playing a fool, I'm setting myself up to fail, I'm going to be sad.
But as long as I can keep this feeling that my hope is alive.. I guess myself dont care.
Although I should care.

I know this makes no sense.. but this situation also makes no sense to me.
I'm senseless and cant get out of it..
no matter how I try.
I hope time will bring me closer to my senses.. to stop these games.
I hope for this hope to continue being a hope, but for the future.. not for the present!
- with love and hope -

on crossroads and heading for the future

This month is about to end.. just 2 whole days left and I keep wondering where the time flies.. because it's gone before I know it.
This month has been positive but I have to admit I have felt a big share of homesickness and disconnected with my family due to this long distance.
But there are events, talks and people that help me return on my path again and for these people I'm so grateful.

This month has been a family month. A month where I meet friends and try to smile more. A month where I do my best at school.
It's been a busy month. Month with hard work. A month where I need to challenge myself.
It's been a month with great weather. Month mixed feelings and a month hard times.

But from these hard times, from those challenges I feel the positive things have come to place.
I feel I've gained more friends. I have found my passion. I have travelled a little. I have strengthen family ties. I have been happy about who I am.
April might have passed my fast but this month leaves me behind with many feelings, accomplishments, friends and happiness.
What more can a month really give you?

So I look forward to May and it's challenges and successes as I am sure I will come out of that month even stronger than I am today!
-with love-

with passion comes success - but where can you find passion?

These past few days I have been thinking a lot about my priorities and how I take my decisions.
The reason is that somehoe I always move far away from those things that I should be doing and decide on doing those that I want to be doing.

This weekend I should have stayed at home, read through my articles and make sure I'm ready for my final exam next wednesday. But instead I took the time to travel over the country to attend an AIESEC conference as Alumnus with good friends of mine and deliver one session.
I was so passionate about it, I wanted to make sure my session was the best one.
During the whole of this weekend I haven't looked at anything relating to my studies.
And just now, when I'm thinking about it, I start to get guilty. But only now when I really think about it.
Not before.
Not during my session.
Not on my way home.

What does that mean?
Does it mean that I did have my priorities in the right order? that since I'm still so passionate about AIESEC I should take every opportunity to keep involved, keep motivated?
I'm not sure.
But I know that I do not regret this weekend and I know that there is hard work infront of me..
But now, as I am thinking about this and if I made the right decision, I'm motivated. I'm happy. I'm passionate.
So maybe this was not a bad thing.
Maybe I just need/should channel this motivation towards my exam and make sure I use it while its still so fresh in my head, my body and my soul.

I hope it will work.

temptations all around me

I'm sitting in my living room and listening to tranquil moments by the sea. It's not because I'm all stressed out, not because I feel the need to relax but because I'm leading a reflection session for outgoing AIESECers tomorrow.
I want it to be a peaceful experience and in order to give that to them I feel I should be at peace as well.

I've been feeling a little restless.. not able to stay focused on the things at hand and keep dreaming and thinking of other projects I much rather would like to be working at than those I ought to be focusing on.
I'm trying to organize my days.
I'm trying to stay true to the path I see success on.
I'm trying to stay happy.

but distractions are many and unfortunately I fall easily.
falling is so easy, it's the "rising up again" part and look away from temptations that is so challenging for me.
And the worst thing is, I keep falling for the same distractions over and over again, even though I know better.
I swear, I know better but I can not stay strong.
I so want to stay strong.

Each fall opens something hurting inside and I want to leave that behind.
I want to forget.
close my eyes and not beleive I still feel something.

I want to be able to look away when tempted.
So far I'm still weak.
But I want to be strong!

- with love -

few days of emptiness leave me open for adventures!

For few days now I've been homesick, feeling blue and not very sociable. I miss my family, I have worries on my mind, I am stressed and I'm frustrated.
For few days now I have not been willing to smile, to feel good, to allow myself to be happy.
Those few days took so much energy out of me.

Saying goodbye to my brother as he smiled and walked towards the security check at the airport made me cry, I felt so alone. I felt so far away from friends and family.
For those few days my thoughts have been heavy, sad and taking me back home to Iceland.
Those few days drained me.

I know it's hard to be far away from those you love but sometimes I get so surprised how homesick I can get. I have been far away from my family before, I will be again and I'm currently doing good living in Copenhagen. So why does this period stay so long this time?

I think what I'm missing, and the reason my mind drifts to Iceland so often is the fact that here in Denmark I am alone. just as alone as I was in Paris - but in a different way -. I realized that I need people around, those I trust, those that I can hang with without having any expectation of "need to do stuff". That's why I'm feeling so alone. I dont have that here in Denmark, that's what I'm searching for by missing my family.
Thats why it was so hard to see my brother leave after having spent great time with him, hanging with a person I trust and not "having to do anything".
It was so needed and so nice.
That's why these few days came by, with emptiness and homesickness.
Those few days that stopped by, making sure I still know what I need.

These next few days will be brighter.
I'm not feeling as blue, the sun is shining more and I'm experiencing more.
that's what the next few days will be about.
I cant wait!

- with love -

value in friendship!

Time flies fast these days, it's already end of another month and things change accordingly to speed. The weather, people, attitude, hair styles and you name it.

On this last day of March I got to think about friendship and what that word means to me. I have often thought about and written here about friendship and how lucky I believe I am having chosen the friends I have today.

What came to my mind is that sometimes I feel I have better friends than I am to them. My friends have done so many things that mean the world to me, been there in times of need, shared with me, laughed with me, cried with me and taken me as who I am. I wonder if I am as good to them as they are to me.
I sure hope so.

I think I sometimes take friends for granted. imagine they will be there no matter what so I am not sure if I put as much energy in growing friendship as I should be.

Are we, as people, normally aware of how much we actually appreciate people in our lives?
Do we give them the credit they deserve?
Do we show them the respect, support and love they deserve as friends?

I hope I do.
Because friendship is one of those most important values I have. I just realized this.
I have always valued family relations. I love my family.
And though I have always tried to be the best friend I can, I feel as I write this that I need to be aware that friendship is also part of my family value.
I need to live up to my values.
I am glad that I realized this.
From now on I hope to live up to my friends expectations, giving them the respect and support they need/want.

I want to grow my friendship, my relationships with family, my network.
Those who mean something to me.

- with love -

my heart says one thing, my head doesnt agree!

How come it's so easy to say you will let go of things that aren't working, things that dont belong any longer, things which dont care for you as they used to but it's SO hard to actually let go?

How can you get your heart agree with what your head has decided?

Maybe we all hope deep down inside that you dont really have to let go to something that was part of your life and in a way still is.
Maybe you are scared to get back out there and finding those that work for you, who care, who are willing to be in your life?
Maybe we actually think we have let go, and try to ignore the fact that it's not true?
maybe we are lying to yourselves and we dont want to admit to it?

How can I make my heart agree with my head?
How can I make sure that I'm not lying to myself, that I actually let go.
I want to be able to stop wondering and just let it be.

Why is life so complicated?

Actually, just as I wrote this sentence here above I realize... life isnt complicated. I just make it like that because I take part in games being played instead of being sure of myself, letting the games pass me by and stay strong.
I am making myself feeling so bad, no one else.
Its me who is not letting go.
And I know I need to.
I need help in doing so.
But I'm too scared to search for it. Who to trust? who actually can help me?
oh man.. why do I do this to myself?
Why do we complicate our lives?
What do we think we are gaining?
Loved ones?
feelings of hope?
Future with smiles?

I dont think so!

- with love -

spring is in the air!

The spring is finally here in Copenhagen and it just lifts up my spirit.
with uplifted spirit my mind starts wandering again. Now I'm back to my potential startups and ideas related to that.
I am finding my passion again but it's sad, it's not coming when needed related to my studies.
I need to get refreshed, I need to keep focus this end point of this project. I need to stay on path.
It's hard when you are not motivated.

This weekend comes with hope of work, relaxation, smiles and joy.
I will try to use those valuable things in my life to build up motivation, to strive for getting through the current tasks and smiling towards the future that is just around the corner.

I can not wait for the next month to take over with it's sunshine, birdsongs, smiles, easter and family meetings.
Another motivational booster for me. and hopefully I use it wisely.

-with love-

Smiles and joy brought by the spring - finally!

The other day I was walking home after saying goodbye to a dear friend. I was listening to nice songs by Ourlives in the iPod and as I was walking my street back to my apartment I cought myself smiling. I was feeling happy and it was a feeling I hadn't felt in a long time.
It was so nice.
It felt like a scene from the movies as the perfect music was playing and I realized that I'm so lucky.
I have great friends, amazing family, I live in a great city and it's spring time. What more can I ask for.
So I smiled.
And I felt good.

Its strange how low you can get, feeling sad and homesick, needing some people around but still not feeling too sociable. I hate when I sink to that level. It's so energy draining and I just feel emty.
But the beauty of it is how little it actually take to get back to my normal self. great conversations with friends, smiles from family members, nice words from people around and being part of people's happiness. That's the best step in crawling from my own misery.
When I start feeling happy again, I notice that life is good.. although not everything is as perfect as it could be.. I'm a lucky girl.
I need to remember it.
I need to share it.
I need to embrace it.

So as I still work through my feelings I try to smile more, I try to engage in conversations more, being more social and just loving life and spring in Copenhagen.

I hope everyone finds their way out of misery, because everyone deals with misery at some time in their lives.
It's the path to happiness that is worth it all.

- with love -

guilty mind leads to hard feelings

It's strange how my mind and thoughts work, the lack of balance and the feelings that I bring.
I get a guilty conscience whenever I spend money on myself with friends and just having a good day but I have no problem thinking about spending hell of a lot of money on "silly" things like tattoo's.
Why is that?

why can I be so senseble in some areas, but not so much in others?
Where do I draw the line?
Where is my balance?

I know I'm asking a lot of questions, but I am in search of something.
trying to reach out and find some answers.
Hoping you, who reads this, can give me some idea.

So search for a balance, in different corners, behind doors I hope to find it. To not feel guilty when not needed and thinking twice when it's needed.
- with love -

love - what does it mean to you?

Yesterday I went to the movies to see a movie called 'Precious'. It was a heartbreaking movie about an issue that for me seemed to be kept a secret but obviously is happening and people need to be aware.

It got me thinking of how good people have it and still complain. Of course some people complain and they have something to complain about. Those that have the most 'right' to complain leave it be.. due to some reasons. guilt, shame, anger... I do not know.

What was so hard for me, watching this movie, is the relationship between a mother and a daughter was a complete hell for both of them. The daughter never stood a chance.
How can you, as a parent, treat your flesh and blood like this?
even, how can you treat any person in your life like this?
Where does the selfishness comes from?

I know, I can be selfish, thinking of what's best for me but never until now have I taken any actions that would benefit me but hurt others. Not deliberately at least.

For me, the relationship with my parents is what makes me who I am today.
Their love, support, understanding...
their rules, their humour, their values.
And if/when I become a parent I hope I build a relationship with my child/children where they dont feel like the person in 'Precious'. They will never doubt my love and mistake selfishness and hurt as love on my behalf.
I will try to make sure that will never happen.
It shouldn't happen.

That's why this movie was an eye opener.. this is happening all over the world.
Children do not know love.
And believe that what is happening is what they deserve.
I am thankful for this movie in a sence it opened my eyes, it made me think of my values, my relationships and what I mean by love.
for that I'm grateful.
But man, oh man, was that a difficult movie to watch.

-with love-

being at home is good and bad

Now when February is ending it's still freezing cold in Denmark and signs of spring are far away.
It's been a cold winter, a unique winter. I hope next winter wont be so cold and snowy.

For few days there has been a little sunlight sparkling through the gray and dull clouds in Copenhagen. Even those little sparkles bring some warmth with them, they bring joy and even some smiles on people around me. Including myself.

This past week has both been good and full of not so good news for me.
It's interesting to realize how balanced life can be.
You win some - you learn some.
And yes, I choose learn instead of loose. As I dont believe you ever loose if you have the attitude of learning from challenges.

Not so good news bring me down, kindles a little homesickness and leaves me tired and frustrated.
Good news bring me back to life, soften my homesickness and increase motivation and happiness.
Weeks varies. happiness, sadness, smiles and frowns.
It happens for everyone.. it's those who actually make the bright side win over the darker, sader site.
I want to be one of those.
That's why I focus more on the good news, and plan on enjoying the city with my friends and family that are coming to visit me these next weeks.

Copenhagen is becoming a home. Home has good and bad times.
Good times with friends will make me feel at home.

- with love -

who am I?

standing in the kitchen, just finished the lasagne and it's now in the oven.
There is one thing that is circling around my head. Actually that's a lie. There are so many things going on in this little head of mine. I just can not stop it.
What I mean is that there is a thing that has been more active today then regularly.

Why do I bother having a blog?
I have been reading friends blogs these past days and they are so good pens. They always choose a topic that is showing inside into the topic, sharing knowledge and just being plain inspirational.
I love that about them.

Mine is not that type of blog. and I started to think why not? Why did I choose to make mine so personal, where I share my thoughts more then knowledge?
I think I have knowledge to share.

When I think of it, my reasons are most likely these:
- I have so many questions of my own, things I need to understand and I want to contemplate about. issues others can share with me and I want to offer this opportunity to do so.
I feel this blog is not my platform to inform but more as a platform to grow.
I enjoy sharing my thoughts even though I dont get any feedback on them.
Putting things into words, makes me smarter, more knowledgeable and potentially more able to inform later on in life.
It's just not that time for me yet.
It will be :)

- with love -

Why not be yourself?

I just finished a little questionaire for a job I'm applying for and it made me think a little.
this is the second time in few months where I have gotten positive answers based on my experience, what I have done and what I have to offer.
It feels amazing.

what came to my mind is how often we feel small, little and not worthy of good things.
I have felt the same and that's why it's so important that when you finally get a confirmation that what you are doing is great, is impressive to others and you have something to give, that we embrace it. We dont just disgard it but smile and say THANK YOU! YES I AM!
But its harder then just saying it. It takes mindset changes that can happen with one step at a time.

It was just something that hit me this evening. Something that I keep forgetting as I sink back to ordinary and plain where self-believe and confidence is not cool. Not looked good upon.
Why I dont understand.. how great would it be if you can embrace your greatness without feeling selfish, cocky or stupid?
Well, I'm sure gonna keep on trying to embrace my awesomeness and support others in embracing theirs.

- with love -

I am winter - fading away

This week, after going through some personal stuff, I feel I'm finally getting on the right role.
I'm starting to be organized again, I'm listening to music, I'm talking to friends and I think I'm smiling more.
It was about time I just say.

But I also think the weather here in Denmark is affecting my feelings. It's all so gray and dull and it keeps on snowing like I dont know what.
For me, this should be the time when the country starts to brighten up a little, green leaves around and people biking more.
but that's not happening as the winter holds on with every breath that it has to stay. And so far it's been stronger then the spring.
I personally hope, Mr. Winter starts to loose the power, starts to let go and accept the fact that spring has to come with it's birdsinging, green color and smiling people.
I can not wait.

But I personally, think I'm behaving like winter.
I'm holding on to something, some image of perfection, and I do not accept that it's time to let it go. Spring has to come with new images, with new connections for me and I need to embrace it.
I think that my power is starting to fade though as I start to feel this fact, that this image is not perfect. That the perfect image is out there somewhere.
I just need to let go, search and keep my arms open for it.
So I'm being winter at this moment,
trying to keep alive something that is destined to fade away.

so as winter slips away, I hope my image slips away with it.
-with love-

be or not to be - my valentine!

I'm currently sitting at my friends place and spending some time with my computer.

Tomorrow is Valentines day, a day I do not celebrate and think is such a fake holiday. But of course it affects me as my society has adopted this day, make it relevant and supports people to believe it's the only day to show and express love.
How sad is that?
Or at least I believe so..

One year ago I was in Paris and I wrote a little text about this holiday as well then.

What I was writing then was that for me this day is not only about Love as in romantic love. It's about love between the people you cheerish, the ones you want to have a strong relationship with and those that you want to show you love.
But in order for this to happen you can not use only one day - you have to be concistant in showing your love, being in love and make sure your love doesnt dissapear. One day is not solving anything.
Of course I know the day was not meant to solve anything in that sence, but it was purely made to gain some money of those who believe that this is the occation where you can have a free pass in showing love.
That's why I say "how Sad is that?"

- How sad is that people need a special day to show love!
- How sad is that for someone to gain money in order for you to be able to show your love?
- How sad is that, that we as people, think this is fine behavior?

now I might sound as coldhearted bitch who doesn't believe in love.
Those who know me know that's not the case.
I'm a big fan of love.
But I also have clear ideas of what I believe to be love..and what for me is just a random act of greed, sadness or desperate behavior.
I prefer to be true to myself then to someone else's thoughts.

I love LOVE.
But I try to express it every day, with those who deserve my love.
I try to strengthen all relationships I do not want to see lost.
I step out and smile to those who mean the most to me, making sure they know they are in my life.
That for me is what valentines day should be about.
that kind of love.
And it should be every day!!

- with love-

Looking in a personal mirror!

I'm currently sitting at my Aunt's place in the middle of nowhere in Denmark where I have the chance to have time of, study, relax and reflect.
Its so valuable to get this chance, to sit in the silence, to not think about what's going on out there in the world and just be.. alone with your tasks, your thoughts and yourself.

Last time I talked about challenges.. and how I value them as well. Because without them I can not see how people can become better,rise to another level and succeed.
Through challenges I learn.
Through reflection and time off I gain self awareness and rekindle my passion. without it I do believe I couldn't stay true to myself.
And without knowing who you are, how can you connect with others?
How can you find people who value what you have to share?
How will you know what you actually have to share with other people.
How can you built up relationships if you dont know who you are and what you are looking for?

These questions I think everyone needs to answer for themselves. And I think it's a must that people do so.
personal relationships are in many cases the base for personal success. You need people some of the times.
We need to keep that in mind.
At least I try to...

-with love-

with challenge comes a new beginning!

This week I faced a challenge I had never come across before. It scared the hell out of me but in a good way because I know, facing this, was bringing a new learning to me.
I have always looked at challenges as a good thing for me to take on and I feel sorry for those who avoid them, try to skate through life on easy street and never develop into this amazing person they could be.
I dont want that to happen to me.

Taking on this challenge ment for me to rethink my ways of learning, enhance my focus, increase my will power.
It showed me that I need to step up my game.
It helped me see how I can do that.
And now, as hard as it may seem, I feel more ready to take on next semester with my learnings from this one.
I feel in balance.
How many people can say that?

The reason why I wanted to blog about this is to try to make people see that challenges are hard but they bring always something new, something needed to your life.
They are there for a reason. You have to understand that.
Do you want to be plain, always the same?
Or do you want to live up to the potential that was made for you?
I have made my decision... I sure hope you have too and it's the right one for you!

-with love-

2009 in a nutshell :)

It‘s been some time since I wrote here. I‘ve been busy, reflecting and organizing myself. But now it‘s time to share my year, a year full of memorable events. When I look back at the year I see happiness. Finally :)

January:
- My brother and his girlfriend had a baby son :) A beautiful precious entered my life and changed it in so many great ways.
- I went back to Paris with a little sadness as that place hadn‘t been the best for me work wise.
- I chaired a national conference in Denmark. It was a great experience, I met so many great people and gained friends for life :)
- Gunnfríður and Anna came to visit me at the conference site to meet me and tried to learn a little about AIESEC. That meant a great deal for me.

February:
- I finally found an interesting masters program to take. In Copenhagen Business School.
- Went to Icelandic ladies night in Paris. Met many interesting women and had good food and drink – all Icelandic of course ;)
- Went to All American Reject concert – AMAZING!!
- I took a TOEFL test and did really well. It was needed for my Masters application.
- I flew to Copenhagen and came as a surprise to Gorjans party. Had great time with friends and enjoyed walking around in Copenhagen.

March:
- Handed in my application for CBS.
- My little nephew got a name. Unfortunately I couldn’t be there as I was in Paris.
- Did a lot of sightseeing in Paris. It’s a great city to live in.
- Celebrated St.Patricks day with great bunch of people in Paris. Great fun and of course all in green!
- Chaired a national conference in Poland with around 150 people attending. It was challenging but a huge learning experience. And of course quite a bit of polish alcohol.

April:
- I resigned from my role as WENA ER coordinator and left few days later back to Iceland.
- Anna and Gunnfríður came to visit me during Easter in Paris. We went to museums ( Louvre etc. ), went up the Eiffel tower, saw an Andy Warhol exhibition, ate chicken in front of a church and so much more.
- Came home and hugged my family. :)

May:
- Partied with my cousin Ingunn. We had so much fun playing Guitar hero.
- Went to see Maria’s Bachelor project from Listaháskólinn – A lady bug doorbell :)
- Started SEA SWIMMING!
- Joined a great group of people who decided to fight the current situation in Iceland and arrange free summer course to help people start their own business. Such a great initiative and I was so proud to participate.
- Attended seminar about the financial crisis and its affect on Africa.
- Went to Selfoss to a Brass band concert. The band I played with for so many years celebrated it’s birthday.
- Chaired a Develop Leaders day for AIESEC in Iceland.

June:
- Went to Skagaströnd for the “fishermen Day”. Partied heavily with great friends.
- Finally got a paid summer job :) at a youth hostel.
- Waited and waited to hear from CBS.
- Met up with my friends from Sauðárkrókur. We went out for dinner. I ended up having a strange but a great night with Anna Sjöfn and her husband Maddi.

July:
- Got accepted into CBS for Masters in Strategy, Organization and leadership :)
- Went whale watching with Hugrún. We saw few whales and it was great fun but a little windy ;)
- Went sea angling ( fishing at sea ) with Hilmar and Haukur. I didn’t catch anything but Hilmar did and as he was with me it automatically became mine as well :)
- Became a big Sólstafir fan and went to their concert.
- Went to Bolungarvík for the first time in 6 YEARS! It was great to be back there to remind me why I love this place.

August:
- Preparation for Denmark started.
- Had a big birthday dinner with my dad for my family. Also to say goodbye.
- Celebrated my 26th birthday and invited friends over for cakes in a birthday/goodbye event.
- Flew with XX kg to Copenhagen the day before introduction week started. It was hard to walk up to 4th floor with all that luggage but I managed.
- Intro week started and I got to know my fellow students.

September:
- school officially started with heavy reading. It was hard getting back into learning mood.
- Went shopping in Ikea with Margrét who actually saved my life there. But at least I got a bed to sleep in, chair and table and place for my clothes :)
- Bought a bike. Important while living in Copenhagen.
- Anna came over and we had a great Thursday night partying with her cousin Atli, and then a lovely relaxed weekend of fun.
- Went to Sólstafir’s concert in Copenhagen. Loved it!

October:
- Me and Line had our house warming party. Finally.
- Went bowling with my class mates.
- Vera Sólveig came to visit. We went to a strange Indian place, Gorjans goodbye party and relaxed.

November:
- Went to visit my aunt and her husband. I stayed there for a weekend. It was really nice.
- Chaired a team building for the Danish MC. Somehow I can not get out of this organization ;)
- Attended a startup meeting with an American entrepreneur who shared his experience. Very interesting and gave me some ideas.
- Applied for a student job. Got into the phone interview.
- Went to a gospel choir practice. Just for fun :)
- Margrét Björg and Margrét came for a visit. Went for the first time to the Tivoli. Bought a year pass. ;)

December:
- Went to a Julefrokost with my class. So much fun, so much snaps and not a happy day after ;)
- Was invited for another interview with the job. Super happy with that.
- Went around the city due to the COP15 UN conference here.
- Met friends who came to Denmark for this conference. It’s so great to meet people, connect on more intimate levels and strengthen your friendship. Great.
- Partied with my study group.
- Went to Christiania.
- Flew home to celebrate Christmas and New Years with the people I love, my family.

In short, my year of 2009 was eventful. I don’t regret anything and I feel I have learned more about who I am and what I stand for. It has reconfirmed how much I love my family and how glad I am for the amazing friends I have.
I couldn’t ask for anything more.
With this great year in my experience box, I feel comfortable about taking on the next one. I hope it will be even better.

-with love-